I'm working on it....

Oprah said something in a recent article that really caught my attention; "Get the Lesson and Move on." For some reason I'm having the hardest time doing that in every aspect of my life. I'm trying to hold on to what was instead of letting go. It's almost as if I enjoy the imprisonment that I've put myself in and I'm to scared to be free.



I feel like I've been sleeping for the last 6 years, but now I'm wide awake. It feels great...

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I promise you I couldn't make my life up..If I tried.

Wednesday Morning:


I laid in bed with everything and anything on my mind. I felt out of control, tired, weak, and unable to process all that needed to be done in the next couple of days. My place was far from being packed and nothing was together..everything including my life was just a mess. I snapped out of my rut and looked at my phone noticing a text from my ex.


In some ironic way I thought calling him might cheer me up (uhhh clearly i've lost it). I called and could immediately tell something was wrong.

Him: hey...
Me: Hi..what's the matter
Him: Nothing..uh.uh..nothing. my phones gonna break up...i have to tell u something tho..call you right back. Click.
Me: Staring at the phone...(i dialed right back) Tell me now ..(at this point a million thoughts were running thru my head)
Him: I can't talk. Click.


Tears immediately began streaming down my face..I don't know why they just did.


3 minutes later my phone rings...

Him: My bad..but listen it's a long story. My boys and I were at the strip club and......

it's just to much to type...smh


Wed. Early Evening....


I made my way to the cutest little Spanish restaurant on the Upper Eastside to meet a close friend of mine. Although we don't speak as often as I'd like we're still pretty close and I don't know what I'd do without her in my life. She is an amazing person, with an outgoing personality, and just happy about life. She's as blonde as I am, if not more. I love her energy and she always brings me back to reality...


We sat across from each other, sharing what had been going in our lives in the recent months. She told me she wanted to show me some new jewelry, I laughed thinking it was going to be some flashy necklace or something I couldn't afford. Instead she flashes her left hand and I see a huge rock on her ring finger....my heart stopped..and I immediately burst into tears.


Thoughts of us in high school, our first loves, and traveling around the country together entered my mind. Where the hell had the time gone? My girl..my homie...my big sis was really engaged? At that moment I had never felt so grown up. It was as if we were in a movie or a Punk'd episode. Here we were sitting in one of NYC's nicest restaurants, in work attire, planning the details of the wedding. It really made me think about life and how fast the time goes. (BTW this 20 something stage is the worse!-that is a whole other blog).


The conversation soon turned to what was going on with me and my ex. My girl had been there from the very beginning of our relationship and like most she wasn't to fond of him. I told her the conversation that happened earlier in the day and her mouth dropped. She stared at me and said "I would have killed him".....


But I on the other hand wasn't shocked...nothing about him shocks me . He's quite predictable.


I told her my "something new plan" and she said four simple words to me "That's not gonna work." I couldn't help but laugh because she's always right and I knew it wasn't going to work. "You want to have your strawberry cheesecake and eat it too" "You can't do that girl..you just can't."

Ok ok-I know she's right. I know I'm being selfish with the entire situation, but I'm frustrated and he hurt me..and and and..I'm running out of excuses. Looking at her and how far she had come made me realize I needed to get my life together.



On the way home...

I walked back to my house from the subway and as usual a million things were on my mind. I noticed a tall brown skin dude standing out in the rain looking at the side of his beamer. (geeze he's cute...i thought to myself) I however was trying to avoid eye contact since the rain had gotten to my hair and my clothes! Not to mention I had on heels and was trying to make it home in the rain. He stopped me anyway...


Him: Excuse me can I talk to you for a second
Me: ..silence
Him: dag.. ( i think I gave him "the" eye) I'd really like to talk to you for a second if you don't mind
Me: ok..what's up
Him: I just wanted to tell you you're gorgeous and you should smile
Me: I'm gorgeous really (in my you're full of b.s. voice)
Him: Wow..why are you so mean
Me: I don't know..I'm sorry. Thanks for the compliment
Him: Look I don't want to keep you standing in the rain like this, but I'd like to make you smile..can I have your number
Me: Sure (i sounded surprised to my dag on self when I said yes)
Him: I'm def calling...
Me: (smiling now..) ok


I even did a little switch when I walked away..a boom cat a boom cat a boom cat cat




...


Back to packing:)

Moving up and out:)

I'm in the midst of moving and it's wearing me out. I'm so excited for what's next, I can feel a change about to come.



Stay Tuned...

Just one of those days...weeks....

A Stranger in my House

One Hot Sunny Day...

I practically ran every red light as I sped down the parkway in tears. I couldn't believe he had just said that to me, how could he have said that to me? I played the conversation back and forth in my head as tears streamed down my face. I didn't even know who he was anymore. The man I had been in love with for so many years had completely changed, everything about him was just different. He was meaner than I ever remembered, the way he talked to me, the way he treated me, and the way he took me for granted.

I pulled over into the Giant parking lot and cried my eyes out. "What am I doing?" I yelled out to no one in particular. I caught a glimpse of my puffy red eyes in the mirror and cried even harder. I saw that naive 16 year girl I had been when I first met him staring back at me. My phone vibrated in my purse and I knew it was him calling to apologize. He called over and over and over again, but what was the point of picking up the phone? He would say what he always does...

"He's sorry," He doesn't deserve me," "Can I please forgive him?" I took a deep breath and exhaled and turned my phone off.

The more I thought about it I realized it wasn't him that had changed so much, he had pretty much been the same all these years. I was the one that had done the changing mentally, physically, and spiritually. I knew deep inside that I was outgrowing him and it scared me. He had always been there, he may not have been perfect but he was consistent. In some scary way I couldn't imagine my life without him. He had watched me grow up and taught me so much. How could I just walk away from that? I dried my eyes, took a sip of the small amount of water I had left, and drove home.

This is History!

I'm so proud...