Monday, December 22, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Honesty
If I'm being honest with myself (and I am trying to be more honest in the new year) then I have to admit...the reality of it all is that it's me...not him...him...or him.
I have the worst habit of keeping people in my life that shouldn't be there. One of my good friends recently asked me to think of every person in my circle and put on paper what purpose they brought to my life. Although I know many people, there are only a few that I consider to be real friends. I made my list with confidence and could go on for days of why I needed these certain people in my life....and then I got to him and I couldn't think of...
One. Single. Thing.
to write. The blank space filled up the room..my heart...and my mind with sadness. It was almost like something finally turned on inside and I realized that I had been wasting time. Precious time on someone...something...and nothing. The truth is I had never planned on being with him forever...I had no intentions of marrying him...having his kids..or building a life with him. I had played the victim for so long that I forgot I was the one doing the hurting too. Never had I put myself in his position. Instead I cried about all the bad times (and there were lots of them), I told my friends the horrible things and never the good, and I blamed him for everything...when in reality it was me too.
I have the worst habit of keeping people in my life that shouldn't be there. One of my good friends recently asked me to think of every person in my circle and put on paper what purpose they brought to my life. Although I know many people, there are only a few that I consider to be real friends. I made my list with confidence and could go on for days of why I needed these certain people in my life....and then I got to him and I couldn't think of...
One. Single. Thing.
to write. The blank space filled up the room..my heart...and my mind with sadness. It was almost like something finally turned on inside and I realized that I had been wasting time. Precious time on someone...something...and nothing. The truth is I had never planned on being with him forever...I had no intentions of marrying him...having his kids..or building a life with him. I had played the victim for so long that I forgot I was the one doing the hurting too. Never had I put myself in his position. Instead I cried about all the bad times (and there were lots of them), I told my friends the horrible things and never the good, and I blamed him for everything...when in reality it was me too.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Well Ok Then....
I have to admit...I got kind of freaked out by all the many random people who were reading my blog. My stats (the number of people who log on) literally scared me...so I closed it for awhile....but since so many of you missed it...I brought it back:) I can't say I'll write everyday but I will write.
See you soon,
SH
See you soon,
SH
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
It's not ME it's YOU
One of my favorite people (he knows who he is) sent this to me and I actually almost agree with pretty much everything it says. Enjoy!
It's Not Me, It's You.by Panama Jackson
Have you ever come across that woman who just seems like a perfect catch, thru and thru? She's smart. She's cool. She's successful. She's attractive.Or so it all seems.Thing is she's single and nobody can figure out why. She can't seem to find a man who can quite match her level of yokedness. Now from the outside looking in it's pretty simple: she's single because men are intimidated by her.
Or not.
In the realm of relationship myths, the "intimidated man" ranks up there with the 8-hour marathon sessions and zebra-looking unicorns.
You see, it's not that it doesn't exist, its just that it really ain't as common as you may think. And how is this so?Simple.It's not that we're all intimidated…we just don't like you.Egads!Yes, it just may be you.
Since this site is about upliftment (both breast and spirit) and education, allow me to share some behaviors that don't necessarily intimidate us men, we just really don't care for them.Hell, I'm trying to ensure the survival of the species here.
Panama, Wu-Tang, and 3-out-of-4 dentists are for the children.(By the way, I do realize that some men ARE indeed intimidated.
Those men are p*ssies. Thank you.)
1) The know it all
We're glad that you're smart and went to college, really we are. However, we usually did too. Unless we're specifically talking about the one facet of your life you spent the last 8 years devoting your life too, it's quite possible that we know something too. In which case, you should concede the fact that it's possible for somebody else to know something too. We know you probably have daddy issues and have automatic defense mechanisms, however, if you keep it up, you won't have any daughters to pass those daddy issues on to because no man wants to date a woman who's sole purpose in life is to always be right.
In short, shut the f*ck up, have a Coke, and smile. You knowing it all isn't intimidating, its annoying. We'd much rather date a woman who knows that she doesn't know it all, Confucius. You can go fight with the mirror.
2) The overly-independent woman
This woman is the one who cannot let any vulnerabilities show whatsoever. It's not that she won't let you let her be a woman, its that she must let you know that she doesn't need you to do anything for her. Yes you're an independent woman.
Whoopty damn do. Being independent is trendy now anyway. How do I know this? Ne-yo wrote a song about it. You don't get points for being a grown-up. Your independence isn't intimidating, your inability to recognize that it actually does take two to tango is just annoying. Lucky for you, you'll be doing the same ole two-step for years to come anyway. With a Solo cup in your hands while you play Uno.
3) the aggressive-yet-insecure chick
This is the woman who drives me (Panama) the most insane and who I'd like to stab with a starfish and two clownfish.Look, I realize that you were raised strong and you feel that people who don't get you are beneath you, but the truth is, you're probably not cute enough to be the a**hole that you are anyway. Sizing men up and dismissing them immediately and then intentionally trying to let them know that they don't measure up to the man they should be isn't necessarily intimidating…it's more the kind of thing that makes us want to stab you. And stabbing you is problematic because it puts another Black man in jail which leaves one less Black man for you to meet thereby meaning more competition for you which indirectly means you'll have the dry cooch for life. So stop it. If dude isn't your cup of tea, leave it at that.
Besides you probably give bad head anyway.
Take this knowledge and do with it what you may, but learn. And if you know women who are causing their own singleness, then share.
Sharing is caring.Thank you and good night.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Gone....but Never...Forgotten...
A decade...5 years and some change ago
"Come onnnnnnnn Lexy," I shouted to my older cousin, annoyed that she was taking so long to get dressed. "You just trying to look cute for Charlie..." I said under my breath in a jealous tone.
I knew it would be just a matter of minutes before my grandmother started cussing us both out (It always amazed me how that woman could use profanity in a way that I'd never heard it and then go lead the church choir) for taking so long.
"Stop tappin' your foot girl," my grandmother said looking at me disapprovingly and go help your grandaddy get into the car. I immediately sprung to my feet to go help one of my favorite people in the entire world, my grandfather.
(He was a tall man, like scary tall. When he entered a room you could feel his presence...he really was that tall. The base in his voice seemed to match his height, he never had to yell at us, all he had to do is say "stop" and we listened with no hesitation. When he reached his older years he was in a terrible accident that left him unable to walk. However, he never let that stop him, he carried with him an unimaginable faith that everything would always be ok. He still hung out with his friends, participated in sports, attended church every single Sunday, and put on a smile.)
I skipped down the corridor to go help him get into the wheel chair, he beamed at me (I was his youngest grandchild) as I grabbed his small brush and wallet that he always stuck in his pocket. "You ready grandaddy? I said to him with authority. I loved helping him, feeling that in some way I was contributing to making his world ok. He nodded his head as I grabbed the wheel chair that was 2 times my size and way to heavy for me. I didn't care, I managed to open it and help him get in the chair anyway.
"Stop right here" he said when we reached the front yard. "You see that?" he said looking up. I looked up to see a beautiful half rainbow and the sun shining. "That's God"...he said nodding his head..."that's God."
I crawled up in his lap...right there in the middle of the front yard and stared up at the rainbow. "Don't forget babygirl," he said whispering into my ear....God always has the power to show you who God is."
I didn't get it then...but I get it now.
R.I.P. Grandaddy
"Come onnnnnnnn Lexy," I shouted to my older cousin, annoyed that she was taking so long to get dressed. "You just trying to look cute for Charlie..." I said under my breath in a jealous tone.
I knew it would be just a matter of minutes before my grandmother started cussing us both out (It always amazed me how that woman could use profanity in a way that I'd never heard it and then go lead the church choir) for taking so long.
"Stop tappin' your foot girl," my grandmother said looking at me disapprovingly and go help your grandaddy get into the car. I immediately sprung to my feet to go help one of my favorite people in the entire world, my grandfather.
(He was a tall man, like scary tall. When he entered a room you could feel his presence...he really was that tall. The base in his voice seemed to match his height, he never had to yell at us, all he had to do is say "stop" and we listened with no hesitation. When he reached his older years he was in a terrible accident that left him unable to walk. However, he never let that stop him, he carried with him an unimaginable faith that everything would always be ok. He still hung out with his friends, participated in sports, attended church every single Sunday, and put on a smile.)
I skipped down the corridor to go help him get into the wheel chair, he beamed at me (I was his youngest grandchild) as I grabbed his small brush and wallet that he always stuck in his pocket. "You ready grandaddy? I said to him with authority. I loved helping him, feeling that in some way I was contributing to making his world ok. He nodded his head as I grabbed the wheel chair that was 2 times my size and way to heavy for me. I didn't care, I managed to open it and help him get in the chair anyway.
"Stop right here" he said when we reached the front yard. "You see that?" he said looking up. I looked up to see a beautiful half rainbow and the sun shining. "That's God"...he said nodding his head..."that's God."
I crawled up in his lap...right there in the middle of the front yard and stared up at the rainbow. "Don't forget babygirl," he said whispering into my ear....God always has the power to show you who God is."
I didn't get it then...but I get it now.
R.I.P. Grandaddy
Sunday, November 16, 2008
I'm Learning
...just because you love someone doesn't mean it's meant to be
...the people you thought you knew so well...you really don't.
...the real world isn't exactly what I thought it'd be.
...to restore my faith...
...what faith really means...
...take no one for granted
...don't waste your time with minor people
...network...alot
...be grateful
...tell the ones you love ...that you love them...every single day
...don't judge...that's God's job...
...the people you thought you knew so well...you really don't.
...the real world isn't exactly what I thought it'd be.
...to restore my faith...
...what faith really means...
...take no one for granted
...don't waste your time with minor people
...network...alot
...be grateful
...tell the ones you love ...that you love them...every single day
...don't judge...that's God's job...
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Ehhhh
This post has no purpose..I'm just venting.
It's 8:30...and I'm just getting back in the house. Q called to say he was starving and coming over as soon as he was off work and could I please go to his favorite restaurant and pick up his favorite meal.
SIGH.
He knew I was sick when he asked me (although I did kind of down play how well I'm not feeling...he had a bad day...I didn't want to make him feel worse), but he asked anyway. So I got in my car (in the rain) and drove 7 miles (Yes I counted...well my gps did) and picked up the meal. I really just wanted to crawl under the covers and watch Ugly Betty and Grey's and sip some hot tea. But no...I have to be a good girlfriend- (no we're not official ...because I don't want to be..but it sure it does feel like it) and make sure he at least has food to come home to after working a 14 hour day.
And yes...he would do the same thing for me....actually he's done the same thing for me plenty of times. He even brings groceries when he sees my fridge getting empty (which is quite often).
I say all this to say...absolutely nothing...like I said..I just wanted to vent. It made alot more sense in my head.
Ps. I'm so sick..I drove past my place...twice.
It's 8:30...and I'm just getting back in the house. Q called to say he was starving and coming over as soon as he was off work and could I please go to his favorite restaurant and pick up his favorite meal.
SIGH.
He knew I was sick when he asked me (although I did kind of down play how well I'm not feeling...he had a bad day...I didn't want to make him feel worse), but he asked anyway. So I got in my car (in the rain) and drove 7 miles (Yes I counted...well my gps did) and picked up the meal. I really just wanted to crawl under the covers and watch Ugly Betty and Grey's and sip some hot tea. But no...I have to be a good girlfriend- (no we're not official ...because I don't want to be..but it sure it does feel like it) and make sure he at least has food to come home to after working a 14 hour day.
And yes...he would do the same thing for me....actually he's done the same thing for me plenty of times. He even brings groceries when he sees my fridge getting empty (which is quite often).
I say all this to say...absolutely nothing...like I said..I just wanted to vent. It made alot more sense in my head.
Ps. I'm so sick..I drove past my place...twice.
The One
::I really can't stand it when my male friends are right about things. It makes me feel...defeated::
"That's what's wrong with you females, you always think you're the one", my friend said to me in an intense phone conversation. ( he was ranting because I told him he's a heart breaker...which he is...) "I never make promises to any woman...I'm just doing me, and when I find the one I find her. Females always think that they are the one for every dude. Now it's ok for the woman to go out and date different guys, but if we do it we're dogs...heart breakers...whatever. That's not fair."
Although I wanted so badly to tell him how wrong he was, I couldn't because I was guilty of the " I'm the one for him and if he's not with me he's missing out on the best thing since life" syndrome. Now that I think about the majority of my female friends are as well (you are too..don't look at the screen like that).
We somehow have embarked upon this insane confidence as women that if a guy decides he doesn't want to be with us...stay committed to us...then he's the crazy one.
"It's his lost..." we tell ourselves..."I was the BEST thing that ever happened to him."
:: Wait a second::
Were you really the best thing that ever happened to him? Seriously....? Probably not.
It's a double standard, we like to keep the guy around who in most cases isn't treating us right, but we're just keeping him until we find something better. Now how and why is this fair? In actuality ladies, we get on men for doing the exact same things that we are guilty of...
Tell me if I'm wrong...but I doubt it.
"That's what's wrong with you females, you always think you're the one", my friend said to me in an intense phone conversation. ( he was ranting because I told him he's a heart breaker...which he is...) "I never make promises to any woman...I'm just doing me, and when I find the one I find her. Females always think that they are the one for every dude. Now it's ok for the woman to go out and date different guys, but if we do it we're dogs...heart breakers...whatever. That's not fair."
Although I wanted so badly to tell him how wrong he was, I couldn't because I was guilty of the " I'm the one for him and if he's not with me he's missing out on the best thing since life" syndrome. Now that I think about the majority of my female friends are as well (you are too..don't look at the screen like that).
We somehow have embarked upon this insane confidence as women that if a guy decides he doesn't want to be with us...stay committed to us...then he's the crazy one.
"It's his lost..." we tell ourselves..."I was the BEST thing that ever happened to him."
:: Wait a second::
Were you really the best thing that ever happened to him? Seriously....? Probably not.
It's a double standard, we like to keep the guy around who in most cases isn't treating us right, but we're just keeping him until we find something better. Now how and why is this fair? In actuality ladies, we get on men for doing the exact same things that we are guilty of...
Tell me if I'm wrong...but I doubt it.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Loyalty...Whatever the Hell That Means
Confession:I think every woman ( ok not every), but most do dream of their Cinderella story. Some women just want to be that perfect wife. You know the one that supports her husband in all of his endeavors, attends every PTA meeting, soccer game, ballet recital, and cooks three meals a day for her family. On the other hand some women want to have their career and family, with alot of help in between. Then there's that woman who wants to do it all (i.e. me). Yes, I want it all and I'm not ashamed to say it. I want to be that great wife (cue Superwoman song and Michelle Obama here) the one who stands beside her husband. I want to head every board meeting, sit in every PTA meeting, run my own company..and and and and ....do it all...or so I thought....
While most people rest on weekends (except me it seems), I dragged myself out of bed early Saturday morning to attend Essence's "Young Women Leadership Conference." I was excited to be amongst ambitious women who were going places with dreams, goals, and an infinity of possibilities. I knew I'd bump into people whose faces were familiar (and I did) and would learn alot from the variety of panelist. I did...it was a great day...
......
8 hours later I found myself at one of mentor's homes. A woman I have looked up to for a long time (and still do) hosted a small get together with close friends. It was one of those gatherings where you can't help but smile. I felt like I was in one of those movies where they flash 5 years later across the screen. Had it really been 5 years ago that we planned one of the biggest conferences for black youth in the country, traveled from coast to coast, and had way to many sleepless nights in hotels and celebrity homes. These women had opened my eyes to a whole new world at a very young age, they'd given me opportunities that most would only dream of, and for that I am forever grateful.
I admire their abitlity to really do what I hope someday to achieve..."have it all" ...the kids...the career...the husband...the success...and most importantly the happiness (well at least it appeared that way to me).
My boy and I (just a friend) stood closely to each other lost in our embrace whispering and laughing about absolutely nothing. Out of no where, someone in the room brought up a famous politician who is currently involved in a deep scandal and the discussion of loyalty (whatever the hell that means these days) came up.
Me: Did you see the footage of his wife sitting there with him in court as he was getting sentenced...she was laughing...holding his hand...rubbing his head. I'm loyal..but damn...I don't know if I could do that after what he did.
My Boy: You would have been there....holding his hand and rubbing his head too. You would have forgiven him just like 90% of most women (men take us for granted, but that's another blog for another day).
Me: Whattttttttttttttttt! Hell no...I would not! Not like that...
One of my Mentors: (I just knew she'd come to the defense of all women- kind and say something brilliant, something great, something that would be written in the books. Ok ..not that deep but you know what I mean.) Instead she said....
"You know what, once you're married, and you have kids...and homes..and taxes..accounts..cars..wills......cheating is not the worse thing you can do."
Me: (my mouth just dropped..I said nothing)
My boy smiled with an i told you so look on his face, while I just stood there in shock. Before she had gotten married she would have never said anything like that. She would have slapped him...left him...chopped and screwed him (you get my drift).
Me: Wait, so if he cheats..it's ok. You just forgive him...just like that?
Mentor: No, I never said it's ok. I just said it's not the worse thing he can do...(she scooped up her baby girl in her arms and went back downstairs to her family).
................................
Later that night I cuddled up to Q (yes he's still around...stop smiling) and told him what my mentor said. His response....
: I just think it depends on the type of person you are. In my opinion cheating is breaking vows...it is possible to get over it and move on...but then again you shouldn't be breaking vows anyway right?:
Right, I said...confused by the complete circle that he had just talked in. I wasn't completely satisfied with his answer, but I fell asleep in his arms anyway.
While most people rest on weekends (except me it seems), I dragged myself out of bed early Saturday morning to attend Essence's "Young Women Leadership Conference." I was excited to be amongst ambitious women who were going places with dreams, goals, and an infinity of possibilities. I knew I'd bump into people whose faces were familiar (and I did) and would learn alot from the variety of panelist. I did...it was a great day...
......
8 hours later I found myself at one of mentor's homes. A woman I have looked up to for a long time (and still do) hosted a small get together with close friends. It was one of those gatherings where you can't help but smile. I felt like I was in one of those movies where they flash 5 years later across the screen. Had it really been 5 years ago that we planned one of the biggest conferences for black youth in the country, traveled from coast to coast, and had way to many sleepless nights in hotels and celebrity homes. These women had opened my eyes to a whole new world at a very young age, they'd given me opportunities that most would only dream of, and for that I am forever grateful.
I admire their abitlity to really do what I hope someday to achieve..."have it all" ...the kids...the career...the husband...the success...and most importantly the happiness (well at least it appeared that way to me).
My boy and I (just a friend) stood closely to each other lost in our embrace whispering and laughing about absolutely nothing. Out of no where, someone in the room brought up a famous politician who is currently involved in a deep scandal and the discussion of loyalty (whatever the hell that means these days) came up.
Me: Did you see the footage of his wife sitting there with him in court as he was getting sentenced...she was laughing...holding his hand...rubbing his head. I'm loyal..but damn...I don't know if I could do that after what he did.
My Boy: You would have been there....holding his hand and rubbing his head too. You would have forgiven him just like 90% of most women (men take us for granted, but that's another blog for another day).
Me: Whattttttttttttttttt! Hell no...I would not! Not like that...
One of my Mentors: (I just knew she'd come to the defense of all women- kind and say something brilliant, something great, something that would be written in the books. Ok ..not that deep but you know what I mean.) Instead she said....
"You know what, once you're married, and you have kids...and homes..and taxes..accounts..cars..wills......cheating is not the worse thing you can do."
Me: (my mouth just dropped..I said nothing)
My boy smiled with an i told you so look on his face, while I just stood there in shock. Before she had gotten married she would have never said anything like that. She would have slapped him...left him...chopped and screwed him (you get my drift).
Me: Wait, so if he cheats..it's ok. You just forgive him...just like that?
Mentor: No, I never said it's ok. I just said it's not the worse thing he can do...(she scooped up her baby girl in her arms and went back downstairs to her family).
................................
Later that night I cuddled up to Q (yes he's still around...stop smiling) and told him what my mentor said. His response....
: I just think it depends on the type of person you are. In my opinion cheating is breaking vows...it is possible to get over it and move on...but then again you shouldn't be breaking vows anyway right?:
Right, I said...confused by the complete circle that he had just talked in. I wasn't completely satisfied with his answer, but I fell asleep in his arms anyway.
The Scapegoat
A mixture of emotion
I want to walk away
but I can't-
I packed all of your stuff last week
Wanted to give it to you when I
came over...but I left it at home
on purpose.
What is it about you that I can't
seem to walk away from. My friend
asked me what it is you brought to my
life...why are you in my circle.
I couldn't think of one simple answer.
Maybe it's because I'm scared...scared
of what life will really be like without you
in it. I'll have no more excuses, no one to
blame all my problems on. I'll just be
standing there...staring in the mirror...
looking at me...and that scares...me.
For as long as I remember you've always
been there. You've comforted me with your
harsh words. In many ways it's like I'm inflicting
pain on myself.
You tell me over and over again that it will change,
that you will change, but you never do. Even today
I set myself up...I knew you'd say no..but I invited you
anyway.
I invite you in to a door that should have been closed a long
time ago. I don't want to settle...I refuse to settle. I keep
saying I wish we could go back...when the truth is I
really wish I could go forward. Everytime I take one
step..there's something holding me back. I try..I try..
and just when I'm about to jump...you swoop in and stop
me.
Why why why won't you let me jump?
The saddest part about it all...is that I'm doing it to myself.
I want to walk away
but I can't-
I packed all of your stuff last week
Wanted to give it to you when I
came over...but I left it at home
on purpose.
What is it about you that I can't
seem to walk away from. My friend
asked me what it is you brought to my
life...why are you in my circle.
I couldn't think of one simple answer.
Maybe it's because I'm scared...scared
of what life will really be like without you
in it. I'll have no more excuses, no one to
blame all my problems on. I'll just be
standing there...staring in the mirror...
looking at me...and that scares...me.
For as long as I remember you've always
been there. You've comforted me with your
harsh words. In many ways it's like I'm inflicting
pain on myself.
You tell me over and over again that it will change,
that you will change, but you never do. Even today
I set myself up...I knew you'd say no..but I invited you
anyway.
I invite you in to a door that should have been closed a long
time ago. I don't want to settle...I refuse to settle. I keep
saying I wish we could go back...when the truth is I
really wish I could go forward. Everytime I take one
step..there's something holding me back. I try..I try..
and just when I'm about to jump...you swoop in and stop
me.
Why why why won't you let me jump?
The saddest part about it all...is that I'm doing it to myself.
I'm still in Shock
I wish I could put into words how I felt the moment they announced (President-Elect) Barack Obama the winner of the candidacy for President. I threw my fist into the air, jumped up and down, thanked God, hugged my best friend, and looked at the big screen repeatedly just to make sure it was real. I can't believe that this happened in my lifetime...
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Scary Times? UBOAST!
Ok, I'm taking a break from my personal stories (just for a sec) to inform you about Something New...UBOAST!
It seems like everytime I turn on the television, another pundit or anchor is talking about how the economy is being run into the ground. Nearly every week I have friends who are being laid off and it seems like job security is completely out of the question.
If you're not sure about your future at your job or you're looking for a new one, I highly suggest that you log on to Uboast.com
If you're not sure about your future at your job or you're looking for a new one, I highly suggest that you log on to Uboast.com
The best thing about this site is that it allows you to upload video resumes, profiles, and documents all for FREE. It doesn't get any better than that, especially during a recession. They also have thousands of job openings for a variety of fields.
I'm submitting my resume..and you should too:)
I'm submitting my resume..and you should too:)
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Random Thoughts...
1. I love it when John Legend says; "Do I have a girlfriend...technically no..."
2. Maybe I have issues for loving that quote way to much.
3. I used to know exactly what I wanted out of life...now I have no idea.
4. Andre 3000 has serious swagger
5. I wonder what my future husband is doing at this very moment (whoever he is and if he even exsist).
6. I miss the advice she used to give me.
7. I don't like it when people try to come in between my friendships.
8. Jealously is a sin..isn't it?
9. I need to work on my emotions.
10. Cutting people out of your life can be a good thing.
11. Sometimes I wish I could snap my fingers and go back to the Summer 2003 or Fall 2005..those were the days.
12. If only I knew then what I know now.
13. I had so much energy in undergrad...what happened?
14. I'll never understand T.I. and Tiny, J.D. and Janet, or Nick and Mariah..then again maybe I'm not supposed too.
15. Q-Tip is getting old...but damn he still has swagger.
16. I honestly believe that all Libra's and Cancer's are the same..no really.
17. I'm a work in progress...stand by...
2. Maybe I have issues for loving that quote way to much.
3. I used to know exactly what I wanted out of life...now I have no idea.
4. Andre 3000 has serious swagger
5. I wonder what my future husband is doing at this very moment (whoever he is and if he even exsist).
6. I miss the advice she used to give me.
7. I don't like it when people try to come in between my friendships.
8. Jealously is a sin..isn't it?
9. I need to work on my emotions.
10. Cutting people out of your life can be a good thing.
11. Sometimes I wish I could snap my fingers and go back to the Summer 2003 or Fall 2005..those were the days.
12. If only I knew then what I know now.
13. I had so much energy in undergrad...what happened?
14. I'll never understand T.I. and Tiny, J.D. and Janet, or Nick and Mariah..then again maybe I'm not supposed too.
15. Q-Tip is getting old...but damn he still has swagger.
16. I honestly believe that all Libra's and Cancer's are the same..no really.
17. I'm a work in progress...stand by...
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Almost doesn't Count...Right?
Confession: I'm the type of girl whose never single...even when I try to be. (Yes, I know that means I'm not trying very hard) I don't mean never single as in always has an "official" boyfriend/manfriend..but always single as in never alone. There is always someone there..I'm always "talking" to someone "dating" somone...it's been that way since..well since I can remember.
...
It was one of those perfect Saturday mornings. You know the type when you have absolutely no plans, it's kind of chilly outside, and your s.o. (significant other) is right next to you with no plans of going anywhere. You can lie in the bed all day, watch movies, cuddle, have sex a 100 times (ok I'm getting a little carried away), but hey you get my drift. Well this was our Saturday, the first one in a long time where neither of us had a million things to do. We slept in and I even got up and made (burned) breakfast....it was great.
I was so happy in that moment...there were no titles, no confusion, no tears, just the way I liked it. It was just us and that's all I need(ed).
After breakfast I quickly washed the dishes so I could hop right back in bed to cuddle and watch Coming to America (one of my fav's) with Q...
Me: hey (cuddling up to him) press play what you waiting for..
Q: Funny question...(laughing)
Me: What?
Q: I'm waiting on you...I've been waiting on you for a long time now. Were you ever going to get back to me about why you didn't want to meet my fam?
:: silence::
Me: Q I told you..I'm just not ready for all that. It makes things so ..idk
Q: Official? Ok and what's wrong with that? We basically are anyway...
Me: Yea, exactly so why complicate it with titles..damn. It's like we keep having this same convo over and over again.
Q: I just need to know....that.....::pause::
Me: You need to know what?!?
Q: That you're not dating anyone else....that it's just me
Me: Wouldn't that make us exclusive?
Q: Almost...
Me: Q I promise you that I'm not dating anyone else...you're the only one.
Although it was true...I still kept my fingers crossed behind my back.
Almost does count...doesn't it?
...
It was one of those perfect Saturday mornings. You know the type when you have absolutely no plans, it's kind of chilly outside, and your s.o. (significant other) is right next to you with no plans of going anywhere. You can lie in the bed all day, watch movies, cuddle, have sex a 100 times (ok I'm getting a little carried away), but hey you get my drift. Well this was our Saturday, the first one in a long time where neither of us had a million things to do. We slept in and I even got up and made (burned) breakfast....it was great.
I was so happy in that moment...there were no titles, no confusion, no tears, just the way I liked it. It was just us and that's all I need(ed).
After breakfast I quickly washed the dishes so I could hop right back in bed to cuddle and watch Coming to America (one of my fav's) with Q...
Me: hey (cuddling up to him) press play what you waiting for..
Q: Funny question...(laughing)
Me: What?
Q: I'm waiting on you...I've been waiting on you for a long time now. Were you ever going to get back to me about why you didn't want to meet my fam?
:: silence::
Me: Q I told you..I'm just not ready for all that. It makes things so ..idk
Q: Official? Ok and what's wrong with that? We basically are anyway...
Me: Yea, exactly so why complicate it with titles..damn. It's like we keep having this same convo over and over again.
Q: I just need to know....that.....::pause::
Me: You need to know what?!?
Q: That you're not dating anyone else....that it's just me
Me: Wouldn't that make us exclusive?
Q: Almost...
Me: Q I promise you that I'm not dating anyone else...you're the only one.
Although it was true...I still kept my fingers crossed behind my back.
Almost does count...doesn't it?
Friday, October 17, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
The Run In (Part 4)
The clock read 4:02 a.m. and I couldn't sleep. All I could do was think about my ex and how I had really come to the point where I finally got it...us...what used to be and what could never be again. (but hey that's another blog..for another day)
I nodded off (finally for 27 minutes) and before I knew it my alarm was going off. My eyes were pink from not sleeping, my hair was matted, and I looked completely awful. Going to work just didn't seem logical, but I went anyway.
.....at 1 p.m. Q's named appeared on my caller i.d...I debated answering because I was still upset that he had driven off (twice).
I answered...
Him: hey..
Me: hey
Him:...are you busy..I'm by your office..I wanted to see if we could talk.
Me: Yea..I'll be down in 5 minutes.
...As I walked toward the elevator I said a silent prayer that this wasn't our "break up" talk...(altho we're not together officially..but u know what I mean)
I slid into the familiar leather seats and found it very hard to look at him (why is it when you're mad at your man they look sooooo good or does that just happen to me?)
Anyway...
Him: Look...first of all I just want to apologize to you for...everything. I shouldn't have acted the way I did at the movies and last night when I stopped by your spot. I'm not gonna front tho..that dude shouldn't have been at your place like that and I hope you can understand why.
Me: You're right he shouldn't have been there and it won't happen again. I do need to know tho Q...what's going on with you and your ex. Please don't have me thinking your over her if you're not. Be honest I can take it.
Him: I will always have love for her. That will never change. Just like if I left you alone right now and walked away...that doesn't mean I just stop caring about you. That's not how it works. We had a bad break up..like I said before we hurt each other. I'm not gonna lie she did stomp on my heart..and seeing her with that dude was a shock. Imagine if you hadn't seen your ex in a long ass time and then just bump into him like that. It brought back alot of bad memories...if anything I was just in shock. Believe me when I tell you I am done with her..I've moved past it and she has too.
Me: Ok, I believe you (I had no more strength to argue with him...I decided to leap out on faith and actually trust him)
::we just sat there in his warm car, holding hands, with the music playing softly. I put my head on his shoulder and finally fell sleep::
I had a really...really...really long lunch break.
ps. I know there is still something he's not telling me...but what's done in the dark comes out in the light. Right?
Right...
I nodded off (finally for 27 minutes) and before I knew it my alarm was going off. My eyes were pink from not sleeping, my hair was matted, and I looked completely awful. Going to work just didn't seem logical, but I went anyway.
.....at 1 p.m. Q's named appeared on my caller i.d...I debated answering because I was still upset that he had driven off (twice).
I answered...
Him: hey..
Me: hey
Him:...are you busy..I'm by your office..I wanted to see if we could talk.
Me: Yea..I'll be down in 5 minutes.
...As I walked toward the elevator I said a silent prayer that this wasn't our "break up" talk...(altho we're not together officially..but u know what I mean)
I slid into the familiar leather seats and found it very hard to look at him (why is it when you're mad at your man they look sooooo good or does that just happen to me?)
Anyway...
Him: Look...first of all I just want to apologize to you for...everything. I shouldn't have acted the way I did at the movies and last night when I stopped by your spot. I'm not gonna front tho..that dude shouldn't have been at your place like that and I hope you can understand why.
Me: You're right he shouldn't have been there and it won't happen again. I do need to know tho Q...what's going on with you and your ex. Please don't have me thinking your over her if you're not. Be honest I can take it.
Him: I will always have love for her. That will never change. Just like if I left you alone right now and walked away...that doesn't mean I just stop caring about you. That's not how it works. We had a bad break up..like I said before we hurt each other. I'm not gonna lie she did stomp on my heart..and seeing her with that dude was a shock. Imagine if you hadn't seen your ex in a long ass time and then just bump into him like that. It brought back alot of bad memories...if anything I was just in shock. Believe me when I tell you I am done with her..I've moved past it and she has too.
Me: Ok, I believe you (I had no more strength to argue with him...I decided to leap out on faith and actually trust him)
::we just sat there in his warm car, holding hands, with the music playing softly. I put my head on his shoulder and finally fell sleep::
I had a really...really...really long lunch break.
ps. I know there is still something he's not telling me...but what's done in the dark comes out in the light. Right?
Right...
Friday, October 10, 2008
The Run In Part 3
.....
Me: my ex...he's here. he needed to talk and I umm
::Q walks away before I can even finish explaining::
I close the door behind me walking (not running towards him...trying to get his attention
We're in the middle of my apartment parking lot (mind you it's like 2 in the morning).
Q: What the hell is wrong with you?!? You let this n***a over your house in the middle of the night. Really?? I thought you were better than that.
Me: First of all, lower your voice, and please don't use that tone talking to me. I didn't invite him over..he just showed up
Q: Wow, so he feels like he can just show up to your apartment in the middle of the night? Are you still messing with this dude?!?
::silence::
Me: No..it's really not like that. He's just been in my life for a very very long time. We're still friends. He needed a friend..what was I supposed to do..leave him outside??
Q: YES!! Hell or go outside and talk to him. WTH that dude was really in your bedroom in the middle of the night and you want me to believe that nothing is going on?? What if you came over my house and found my ex there in the middle of the night?
Me: I wouldn't be surprised.
Q: What!?
Me: You're clearly not over your ex, I saw it by the way you were looking at her today, by the way you dropped my hand. You're not over her.
Q: You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. First of all..I was in shock. I haven't seen her in over a year. Will I always care about and have love for her? Of course. That doesn't mean that I'm still "in" love with her and I want to be with her all that ish. We broke up for a number of reasons...we hurt each other. Trust me when I say I don't want to go backwards...I'm trying to move forward...with you...but it seems like you're still living in the past.
Me: Q my ex being here is not what you think...I can see it in your eyes you don't believe me.
Q: You're right.. I don't. Look I gotta go, it's late. Guess we'll talk later.
::Getting in his car::
Me: You Guess?
Q: Yea..I guess.
He drove away...again.
I went back in my apartment pissed. Asked my ex to please leave. He wanted to stay. I said NO..three times. He finally left...
and I realized at that moment....that I was finally over him.
Me: my ex...he's here. he needed to talk and I umm
::Q walks away before I can even finish explaining::
I close the door behind me walking (not running towards him...trying to get his attention
We're in the middle of my apartment parking lot (mind you it's like 2 in the morning).
Q: What the hell is wrong with you?!? You let this n***a over your house in the middle of the night. Really?? I thought you were better than that.
Me: First of all, lower your voice, and please don't use that tone talking to me. I didn't invite him over..he just showed up
Q: Wow, so he feels like he can just show up to your apartment in the middle of the night? Are you still messing with this dude?!?
::silence::
Me: No..it's really not like that. He's just been in my life for a very very long time. We're still friends. He needed a friend..what was I supposed to do..leave him outside??
Q: YES!! Hell or go outside and talk to him. WTH that dude was really in your bedroom in the middle of the night and you want me to believe that nothing is going on?? What if you came over my house and found my ex there in the middle of the night?
Me: I wouldn't be surprised.
Q: What!?
Me: You're clearly not over your ex, I saw it by the way you were looking at her today, by the way you dropped my hand. You're not over her.
Q: You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. First of all..I was in shock. I haven't seen her in over a year. Will I always care about and have love for her? Of course. That doesn't mean that I'm still "in" love with her and I want to be with her all that ish. We broke up for a number of reasons...we hurt each other. Trust me when I say I don't want to go backwards...I'm trying to move forward...with you...but it seems like you're still living in the past.
Me: Q my ex being here is not what you think...I can see it in your eyes you don't believe me.
Q: You're right.. I don't. Look I gotta go, it's late. Guess we'll talk later.
::Getting in his car::
Me: You Guess?
Q: Yea..I guess.
He drove away...again.
I went back in my apartment pissed. Asked my ex to please leave. He wanted to stay. I said NO..three times. He finally left...
and I realized at that moment....that I was finally over him.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
The Run In Part 2
I'm a loyal person...an extremely loyal person. Once you're inside of my circle I have your back until the end of time. I know no one is perfect so I tend to give people chances...but at some point you have to cut off someone who keeps doing you wrong...right? Right. (wrong- in my case anyway).
I watched in shock as he sped off down the street. I stood there until I couldn't see his car anymore. After 5 minutes I finally went into my apartment slammed the door shut and plopped down on the couch. I just sat there staring at my phone because I knew he would call...any second now.
An hour passed and still no call...then another hour...and another hour. It was getting pretty late and I had work in the morning, so I started getting ready for bed, and then finally my phone rang. I picked it up without even glancing at the caller i.d. because I just knew it was him, but to my surprise it wasn't.
I heard my ex's voice on the other end of the phone and my heart dropped.
Him: I'm outside
Me: What do you mean you're outside?!?
Him: of you're apartment..can I come in?
::silence::
sigh...
Me: Yes..come in, but you can't spend the night.
Him: Ok
For some reason, I decided to turn my phone on silent, I don't know why I just did. I guess it didn't matter since Q wasn't calling me anyway.
2 minutes later my ex knocked at my door. I opened the door to find him looking depressed, he hadn't shaved and he needed a hair cut bad. His eyes were kind of glazed over like he had been crying...so I let him in because I knew he needed a friend. He didn't say a word, just walked down the hallway to my bed room and sat on the bed. I sat on the chair (since I didn't want him to get the wrong idea).
Me: So what's going on
Him: I'm just so unhappy..things...life..it isn't suppose to be this way man. Like how did I let myself get here.
Me: ....well when life gives you lemons make lemonade (I really didn't know what to say. This was a man that I used to love more than anything. he's my friend, but I guess apart of me is still bitter (well was).
Him: ::staring at me:: What's wrong with you...seems like your mind is somewhere else right now...
Me: No, I'm listening..tell me what's really wrong.
He went on and on for the next hour and I did my best to listen, but I honestly have no idea what he said. All I could think about is why hadn't Q called me by now. Reality snapped me out of day dreaming when I heard a knock at the door.
Him: Sweetheart, who the hell is knocking on your door at 1 a.m.
Me: I have no idea (i was scared...all sorts of things were running thru my mind).
Him: Let me answer it!
Me: No...stay right here...
I walked to the door with my iron in hand (it was my weapon). I peered thru the peep hole and almost had a heart attack when I saw Q standing there. I swung the door open looking at him like he had lost his mind.
Q: Why weren't you answering your phone, I must have called you 20 times!
Me: No you didn't..you ..couldn't have...
I realized I had turned it on silent hours ago.
Me: Oh wait..it's on silent..I'm sorry.
Q: Well can I come in?
The Ex: SweetHeart are you ok?!? (screaming from my bed room)
Q: Who is that?
::eternal silence::
Me: My ex.
I watched in shock as he sped off down the street. I stood there until I couldn't see his car anymore. After 5 minutes I finally went into my apartment slammed the door shut and plopped down on the couch. I just sat there staring at my phone because I knew he would call...any second now.
An hour passed and still no call...then another hour...and another hour. It was getting pretty late and I had work in the morning, so I started getting ready for bed, and then finally my phone rang. I picked it up without even glancing at the caller i.d. because I just knew it was him, but to my surprise it wasn't.
I heard my ex's voice on the other end of the phone and my heart dropped.
Him: I'm outside
Me: What do you mean you're outside?!?
Him: of you're apartment..can I come in?
::silence::
sigh...
Me: Yes..come in, but you can't spend the night.
Him: Ok
For some reason, I decided to turn my phone on silent, I don't know why I just did. I guess it didn't matter since Q wasn't calling me anyway.
2 minutes later my ex knocked at my door. I opened the door to find him looking depressed, he hadn't shaved and he needed a hair cut bad. His eyes were kind of glazed over like he had been crying...so I let him in because I knew he needed a friend. He didn't say a word, just walked down the hallway to my bed room and sat on the bed. I sat on the chair (since I didn't want him to get the wrong idea).
Me: So what's going on
Him: I'm just so unhappy..things...life..it isn't suppose to be this way man. Like how did I let myself get here.
Me: ....well when life gives you lemons make lemonade (I really didn't know what to say. This was a man that I used to love more than anything. he's my friend, but I guess apart of me is still bitter (well was).
Him: ::staring at me:: What's wrong with you...seems like your mind is somewhere else right now...
Me: No, I'm listening..tell me what's really wrong.
He went on and on for the next hour and I did my best to listen, but I honestly have no idea what he said. All I could think about is why hadn't Q called me by now. Reality snapped me out of day dreaming when I heard a knock at the door.
Him: Sweetheart, who the hell is knocking on your door at 1 a.m.
Me: I have no idea (i was scared...all sorts of things were running thru my mind).
Him: Let me answer it!
Me: No...stay right here...
I walked to the door with my iron in hand (it was my weapon). I peered thru the peep hole and almost had a heart attack when I saw Q standing there. I swung the door open looking at him like he had lost his mind.
Q: Why weren't you answering your phone, I must have called you 20 times!
Me: No you didn't..you ..couldn't have...
I realized I had turned it on silent hours ago.
Me: Oh wait..it's on silent..I'm sorry.
Q: Well can I come in?
The Ex: SweetHeart are you ok?!? (screaming from my bed room)
Q: Who is that?
::eternal silence::
Me: My ex.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
The Run In Pt. 1
Sorry I've been M.I.A. ...sometimes life just steps in the way. I'm tired, stressed out, and mentally exhausted. Its occurred to me that I haven't taken a vacation and I mean a real vacation in a good two years. So I'm all wound up....and adding more fuel to the fire is the last thing I need(ed).
Almost a month ago
Almost a month ago
"Babbbbby come onnnnnnnn" I said to Q staring at him with big brown innocent eyes. "I want you to see the movie."
Him: I don't understand why you want to go see a movie you've already seen!
Me: Because it was so good I want to see it again and I think you should see it, I promise you it's his best film yet.
Q shook his head. Got up. Grabbed his keys.
Him: Let's Go.
I smiled, grabbed my purse, and pulled him down to give him a big kiss. (he's taller than me...as is everyone).
It only took us a second to get to the movies since it's located right down the street and Q tends to "fly" instead of actually driving.
There were a million people outside which was kind of confusing since school was back in and it was a week night. I shrugged it off as Q paid for the tix and we strolled in hand in hand. As we were walking to the concession stand he dropped my hand and looked as if he'd seen a ghost. I looked across the room to see what he was staring at and my eyes landed on a petite, light skinned woman.
She was absolutely gorgeous with short brown and blond hair, hazel eyes, and a lean body (she was like a shorter version of Rihanna). Her and Q continued staring at each other until a man came up behind the woman and kissed her on her cheek. She whispered something to him and he went into the movie theater. With that she started walking towards us. Q still had not said a word to me...he just stood there looking like a lost puppy.
All of a sudden as he realized she was walking over to us, he grabbed my hand again, and pulled me closer. I let him...although I wanted to drop his hand and tell him to kick rocks at that point, but it seemed like he was holding on for dear life, so I let him.
Her: Hi Q, it's good to see you. (she gave him a hug while saying this)
Q: Good to see you too...what uh..what are you doing here?
Her: My boyfriend actually lives in Columbia..so I'm here often.
Q: Funny. My girl (looking at me) lives in Columbia too.
[I did my best not to reach up and slap him.]
Q: Sorry, this is Sweetheart, Sweetheart this is Karima.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You too...(I'm sure she could tell I was pissed)
Her: Q, we'll talk later. Sweetheart enjoy your date.
She walked away. Although I wanted to run behind her and snatch those contacts out her eyes...I just stood there staring at Q....pissed.
Since, I couldn't stand to look at him, I knew I wouldn't be able to sit in a movie theater with him for two hours, so I told him to take me home. We were both silent until we reached my apartment, I was waiting for him to confirm what I already knew.
Me: Who was that woman.
Q: My ex fiance
I nodded, got out the car and went into my apartment. However, this time Q didn't come after me...
He drove away.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
The Seasons Will Change
It's funny how you think you have it all figured out until God really shows you who God is. Forever ago [well it seems like it now] a certain group of people really hurt me in the worse way possible. They lied on my name, my character, and tried their best to destroy me, but it didn't work. I was so devastated that I would cry myself to sleep at night wondering why they were doing this and what possible lesson God was trying to teach me.
My heart ached everytime I replayed the entire situation in my head. The people who I had thought were my friends had been rooting for me to fail. It was a different type of a heart break, one that I will never find the words to explain. The pain was so deep that I knew it would be impossible for me to get over. However, everytime I began to get down, God would scoop me right back up. Impossible to God is nothing.
2 years ago...almost to this exact date...
My eyes were burning from crying the night before. One of my best friends from college was explaining everything to me that was happening while I was out of town. "They're at it again girl, now they've taken it to the Internet..this is unbelievable." I sighed heavily, pulled over into an empty parking lot and put my head against the wheel. I had done absolutely nothing wrong, but disagreed with them on one thing and refused to do it, now they were trying to turn the world against me.
The other line beeped and it was an LA number..."Hi sweetheart, this is so and so from xxxxx magazine and we want to feature..." I smiled...wiped my tears and drove home. The next day I got a call from an incredible executive producer whom I admired (still do) and was told that he'd like me to come study under him for the remainder of my senior year at a huge network. At that moment I looked up to God and let it go. What else could I do? Cry? Worry? or just step out on faith.
Well I chose faith.
Although I was hurt, I knew that God would take care, and that in the end I would prevail. They did their best to break me, but faith and amazing friends held me together. I wouldn't have had it any different, because if I did I wouldn't have been able to get the lesson and move on.
....
I woke up this morning to find the sincerest letter of apology waiting for me in my inbox. The letter was from the ring leader of the group that hurt me so bad. I'm not going to spell out exactly what it said...or even why the person apologized all this time later.
However, I will say that when you step out on faith, ANYTHING is possible...even forgiveness.
See the seasons do change:)
-SweetHeart
My heart ached everytime I replayed the entire situation in my head. The people who I had thought were my friends had been rooting for me to fail. It was a different type of a heart break, one that I will never find the words to explain. The pain was so deep that I knew it would be impossible for me to get over. However, everytime I began to get down, God would scoop me right back up. Impossible to God is nothing.
2 years ago...almost to this exact date...
My eyes were burning from crying the night before. One of my best friends from college was explaining everything to me that was happening while I was out of town. "They're at it again girl, now they've taken it to the Internet..this is unbelievable." I sighed heavily, pulled over into an empty parking lot and put my head against the wheel. I had done absolutely nothing wrong, but disagreed with them on one thing and refused to do it, now they were trying to turn the world against me.
The other line beeped and it was an LA number..."Hi sweetheart, this is so and so from xxxxx magazine and we want to feature..." I smiled...wiped my tears and drove home. The next day I got a call from an incredible executive producer whom I admired (still do) and was told that he'd like me to come study under him for the remainder of my senior year at a huge network. At that moment I looked up to God and let it go. What else could I do? Cry? Worry? or just step out on faith.
Well I chose faith.
Although I was hurt, I knew that God would take care, and that in the end I would prevail. They did their best to break me, but faith and amazing friends held me together. I wouldn't have had it any different, because if I did I wouldn't have been able to get the lesson and move on.
....
I woke up this morning to find the sincerest letter of apology waiting for me in my inbox. The letter was from the ring leader of the group that hurt me so bad. I'm not going to spell out exactly what it said...or even why the person apologized all this time later.
However, I will say that when you step out on faith, ANYTHING is possible...even forgiveness.
See the seasons do change:)
-SweetHeart
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
When it All Falls Down
I remember the first time I saw her in church, she was absolutely gorgeous. Her long brown and blond hair flowed loosely down her back and her green eyes sparkled as she stared up at her husband adoringly. On the outside looking in, she seemed to have what some might consider "the picture perfect life." Her husband was then an up and coming preacher who everyone in Charm city loved and respected. Although he already had a child from a previous relationship, she loved the girl like her own and put her all into building her new family.
During the next 4 years her husband grew to nationwide fame, with his church services on television, radio shows, the building of new ministries, schools, etc. They were [well he was] living out their dreams. They lived in a beautiful water front home, drove a Bentley, and quickly grew to be every one's "favorite" couple. Although some were jealous, she paid them no mine, she went on about her happy life. Within four years she had one baby girl and a set of twins, she was a mother, a wife, a woman of God, she was the Preachers wife.
Everything was right until one faithful day it all fell apart. Many people in the church begin to whisper that her husband had been cheating for years on his beloved wife. She dismissed it as jealously and those close to him denied that he would ever do anything like that and then it happened.
As everyone sat listening to him preach on one particular Sunday, a young woman bust through the door carrying a small child in her hands. Her eyes were blood shot red from crying and she was breathing heavily as she stood in the middle of the sanctuary staring up at the preacher. He looked down at her nervously and kept preaching as people begin to whisper, wondering who she was and why she was interrupting services.
"Tell them Pastor," she said with hate in her eyes.
Security immediately begin to run toward the young woman to carry her away.
The preacher was quiet.
"Tell them she said, tell them how you've been sleeping with me, tell them I have your child, tell them you got me pregnant when I was only 17 years old," she yelled as the sanctuary doors closed behind them.
His wife immediately grabbed her then one child, held onto her pregnant belly, and walked out of the sanctuary fighting back tears. The preacher assured the congregation that there was just some sort of misunderstanding and went on with his service because it was still all about him.
One Year Later...
The cities biggest paper covered the story in detail and exposed that the "perfect" couple had indeed filed for divorce. The preacher wanted a limited divorce, meaning separation. However, the wife wanted an absolute divorce, she was hurt, and forgiving him was not an option. She stopped going to church and kept a somewhat cordial relationship with him for the kids, but she was scorned, he had ruined her picture perfect life.
1 year 6 months later...
I headed out to one of the most popular venues in my city to celebrate the beautiful politicians, celebrities, and educated people who were partying for a week straight. We danced the night away on the clubs rooftop, jamming to old school jams, and laughing about absolutely nothing. I turned around to tell my abc [ace boon coon] something and was shocked to see her talking to the preachers wife.
I clearly wasn't the only one surprised as many people stared, and loudly whispered "isn't that so and so's wife?" It occurred to me that she really had to pick herself up and start over. She had been at the top and now here she was back in the club, partying with 20 somethings, starting from scratch.
She smoothed down her hair, gave me a nod, and put on a brave face as she headed back out into the crowd.
During the next 4 years her husband grew to nationwide fame, with his church services on television, radio shows, the building of new ministries, schools, etc. They were [well he was] living out their dreams. They lived in a beautiful water front home, drove a Bentley, and quickly grew to be every one's "favorite" couple. Although some were jealous, she paid them no mine, she went on about her happy life. Within four years she had one baby girl and a set of twins, she was a mother, a wife, a woman of God, she was the Preachers wife.
Everything was right until one faithful day it all fell apart. Many people in the church begin to whisper that her husband had been cheating for years on his beloved wife. She dismissed it as jealously and those close to him denied that he would ever do anything like that and then it happened.
As everyone sat listening to him preach on one particular Sunday, a young woman bust through the door carrying a small child in her hands. Her eyes were blood shot red from crying and she was breathing heavily as she stood in the middle of the sanctuary staring up at the preacher. He looked down at her nervously and kept preaching as people begin to whisper, wondering who she was and why she was interrupting services.
"Tell them Pastor," she said with hate in her eyes.
Security immediately begin to run toward the young woman to carry her away.
The preacher was quiet.
"Tell them she said, tell them how you've been sleeping with me, tell them I have your child, tell them you got me pregnant when I was only 17 years old," she yelled as the sanctuary doors closed behind them.
His wife immediately grabbed her then one child, held onto her pregnant belly, and walked out of the sanctuary fighting back tears. The preacher assured the congregation that there was just some sort of misunderstanding and went on with his service because it was still all about him.
One Year Later...
The cities biggest paper covered the story in detail and exposed that the "perfect" couple had indeed filed for divorce. The preacher wanted a limited divorce, meaning separation. However, the wife wanted an absolute divorce, she was hurt, and forgiving him was not an option. She stopped going to church and kept a somewhat cordial relationship with him for the kids, but she was scorned, he had ruined her picture perfect life.
1 year 6 months later...
I headed out to one of the most popular venues in my city to celebrate the beautiful politicians, celebrities, and educated people who were partying for a week straight. We danced the night away on the clubs rooftop, jamming to old school jams, and laughing about absolutely nothing. I turned around to tell my abc [ace boon coon] something and was shocked to see her talking to the preachers wife.
I clearly wasn't the only one surprised as many people stared, and loudly whispered "isn't that so and so's wife?" It occurred to me that she really had to pick herself up and start over. She had been at the top and now here she was back in the club, partying with 20 somethings, starting from scratch.
She smoothed down her hair, gave me a nod, and put on a brave face as she headed back out into the crowd.
Friday, September 26, 2008
My Bad
To my surprise many of you continue to log on although I haven't been updating...been a bit of a rough week. However, don't you worry I'll be back next week with massive updates:)
Ok, maybe not massive...but it's a great story.
have a good weekend everyone...
xoxoxoxo
Ok, maybe not massive...but it's a great story.
have a good weekend everyone...
xoxoxoxo
Monday, September 22, 2008
The Things You Learn Along the Way
Every time I read a good book, write a story, or watch a good movie, I think of her...Mrs. Johnson.
Freshman Year of High School. First Semester.
I sat in the third row of Mrs. Johnson's freshman English 101 excited to finally be in my first high school class. Although I was the only black student in the class it didn't bother me at all, I was ready for the challenge, ready to learn, and ready to start off the school year right. The first two weeks of the school year went fast and before I knew it, our "big" paper was due. I put my all (or so I thought) into writing about the person who "inspired" me the most, my Mother.
I was positive that I absolutely got an A on the paper and was shocked when Mrs. Johnson asked to see me after class. "You just did ok on this paper," she told me with a disapproving look. "Although you've only been in my class for a little over a month, I see you, I see your full potential," she said. "You have one week to re-write this paper again and this time put your heart into it."
I spent the entire weekend in front of a blank computer replaying Mrs. Johnson's words in my head, but still I got nothing. Finally at 12:00 am Sunday night I woke up and typed what I consider to be one of the best things I have ever written. By the time I had finished I was in tears as I saw on paper just how much my mother had really done for me. Mrs. Johnson was so proud of my paper that she asked me to read it in front of the entire class. At that moment I fell in love with writing and from that day forward I couldn't my pen down.
Once again, I signed up for one of Mrs. Johnson's classes, this time it was Drama 101. I had never been much of an actress, although I had a starring role in my fourth grade play (I was pretty good if I do say so myself). Our assignments included acting out our favorite movies, plays, and television shows in front of classmates. However, our biggest assignment was to pair up in teams of two and write, produce, and act out a one man show. Mrs. Johnson chose who she wanted to actually do the acting and of course she picked me. I was nervous, a one man play at 15 years old is not exactly easy to do. She asked me to portray Billie Holiday, I of course had no idea who she was, but I sure did find out.
However, it turned out to be one of the best experiences of my high school career. It taught me that I really could do anything. It was then that I realized I wanted to be a screenwriter and once again Mrs. Johnson had showed me a whole new world and til this day it still impacts my life.
Junior Year...
By this time, Mrs. Johnson was my favorite teacher and we had built a strong relationship. I looked up to her and appreciated everything she had taught me thus far.
My high school crew and I sashayed into the school auditorium like we were the best things since sliced bread. It was unbelievably crowded since everyone was excited about the school talent show. There were absolutely no seats in the front or in the middle of the auditorium so we had no other choice but to sit in the back and we did. As the show was about to begin, Mrs. Johnson walked by smiled at us and asked why were sitting in the back?
"Oh" she said before we could even answer, "I forgot your people love sitting in the back."
At first we laughed awkwardly and then my friends who were all sitting around me and happened to be black begin to get extremely upset within seconds. I felt my cheeks get flushed and my heart was beginning to beat faster with the second. One of the guys who was sitting with us took his school sweater off and threw it in the middle of the aisle and walked up onto the stage.
"Racist" he yelled to the audience, "this school is so racist." The principles secretary asked my friends, the guy who walked up on stage, and me to all come to his office immediately. We sat angrily around the table and told him why were mad and he listened.
Three days later Mrs. Johnson was fired from the school she had been teaching at for the past 20 years. I had lost a mentor and my feelings about it were mixed. I couldn't understand how someone who had always encouraged me, would do something like that. It was wrong any or every way you looked at it and she couldn't take it back.
It hurt me to my core, but made me stronger. The next week I started the first African American Student club in our high schools history. Every single black student (all 42 of us) gathered into one of the classrooms after school and discussed our agenda. They voted to put me in place as there president, and for the very first time, I was in charge. Although Mrs. Johnson's actions had hurt me they helped me all the same.
Senior Year...
My high school never really had anything to do with black history month. I never once remember them mentioning it in a school assembly or celebrating it any way. That all changed when I started the Black Awareness Club. I wrote, produced, and acted in my very first screen-play for the black history month assembly that our club put together. It was such a big deal, that local press, and even some national public figures had come to watch. As I stood in front of the hundreds of people in the audience I noticed Mrs. Johnson sitting way in the back peering up at me with pride.
Despite what had happened, I was still thankful to her for opening my eyes to a whole new world. In her own way, she changed my life.
Freshman Year of High School. First Semester.
I sat in the third row of Mrs. Johnson's freshman English 101 excited to finally be in my first high school class. Although I was the only black student in the class it didn't bother me at all, I was ready for the challenge, ready to learn, and ready to start off the school year right. The first two weeks of the school year went fast and before I knew it, our "big" paper was due. I put my all (or so I thought) into writing about the person who "inspired" me the most, my Mother.
I was positive that I absolutely got an A on the paper and was shocked when Mrs. Johnson asked to see me after class. "You just did ok on this paper," she told me with a disapproving look. "Although you've only been in my class for a little over a month, I see you, I see your full potential," she said. "You have one week to re-write this paper again and this time put your heart into it."
I spent the entire weekend in front of a blank computer replaying Mrs. Johnson's words in my head, but still I got nothing. Finally at 12:00 am Sunday night I woke up and typed what I consider to be one of the best things I have ever written. By the time I had finished I was in tears as I saw on paper just how much my mother had really done for me. Mrs. Johnson was so proud of my paper that she asked me to read it in front of the entire class. At that moment I fell in love with writing and from that day forward I couldn't my pen down.
1 year later...
Once again, I signed up for one of Mrs. Johnson's classes, this time it was Drama 101. I had never been much of an actress, although I had a starring role in my fourth grade play (I was pretty good if I do say so myself). Our assignments included acting out our favorite movies, plays, and television shows in front of classmates. However, our biggest assignment was to pair up in teams of two and write, produce, and act out a one man show. Mrs. Johnson chose who she wanted to actually do the acting and of course she picked me. I was nervous, a one man play at 15 years old is not exactly easy to do. She asked me to portray Billie Holiday, I of course had no idea who she was, but I sure did find out.
However, it turned out to be one of the best experiences of my high school career. It taught me that I really could do anything. It was then that I realized I wanted to be a screenwriter and once again Mrs. Johnson had showed me a whole new world and til this day it still impacts my life.
Junior Year...
By this time, Mrs. Johnson was my favorite teacher and we had built a strong relationship. I looked up to her and appreciated everything she had taught me thus far.
My high school crew and I sashayed into the school auditorium like we were the best things since sliced bread. It was unbelievably crowded since everyone was excited about the school talent show. There were absolutely no seats in the front or in the middle of the auditorium so we had no other choice but to sit in the back and we did. As the show was about to begin, Mrs. Johnson walked by smiled at us and asked why were sitting in the back?
"Oh" she said before we could even answer, "I forgot your people love sitting in the back."
At first we laughed awkwardly and then my friends who were all sitting around me and happened to be black begin to get extremely upset within seconds. I felt my cheeks get flushed and my heart was beginning to beat faster with the second. One of the guys who was sitting with us took his school sweater off and threw it in the middle of the aisle and walked up onto the stage.
"Racist" he yelled to the audience, "this school is so racist." The principles secretary asked my friends, the guy who walked up on stage, and me to all come to his office immediately. We sat angrily around the table and told him why were mad and he listened.
Three days later Mrs. Johnson was fired from the school she had been teaching at for the past 20 years. I had lost a mentor and my feelings about it were mixed. I couldn't understand how someone who had always encouraged me, would do something like that. It was wrong any or every way you looked at it and she couldn't take it back.
It hurt me to my core, but made me stronger. The next week I started the first African American Student club in our high schools history. Every single black student (all 42 of us) gathered into one of the classrooms after school and discussed our agenda. They voted to put me in place as there president, and for the very first time, I was in charge. Although Mrs. Johnson's actions had hurt me they helped me all the same.
Senior Year...
My high school never really had anything to do with black history month. I never once remember them mentioning it in a school assembly or celebrating it any way. That all changed when I started the Black Awareness Club. I wrote, produced, and acted in my very first screen-play for the black history month assembly that our club put together. It was such a big deal, that local press, and even some national public figures had come to watch. As I stood in front of the hundreds of people in the audience I noticed Mrs. Johnson sitting way in the back peering up at me with pride.
Despite what had happened, I was still thankful to her for opening my eyes to a whole new world. In her own way, she changed my life.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Hold Up
Yesterday...
I made a run to the mall in the middle of a day to pick up something that I had been meaning to get for weeks. Q and I had just got off the phone and I couldn't help but walk thru the mall grinning about our convo. I spotted a friend at the makeup counter in Nordstrom and went over to talk to her, 5 minutes into my conversation I felt a tap on my shoulder...
It was her, the chick from the bar/lounge that had cut her eyes at me all night.
TC: Hi, I didn't get a chance to introduce myself to you that night at the lounge, I'm Lauren.
Me: Oh, well nice to meet you, Q told me you and him used to work together? [Phony smile]
TC: [laughing] Work together? Why would he say that..hmm? No we dated....for a long time.
::I was trying not to show my obvious shock, but I'm so bad with facial expressions::
Me: Oh ok, well it was kind of loud in the lounge, maybe he did mention that [I lied].
TC: Yea me and Q have always had this on and off relationship...right now we're off, but we always find our way back to each other.
Me: Interesting...well you have a great day, I'm going to finish shopping.
TC: You too...oh and tell Q I said hi and I'll be giving him a call real soon.
PAUSE: No this biatch didn't! UGH. I wanted to scream, slap the hell out of her, and pull those long misguided tracks out of her head. Instead I bit my tongue and just walked away, besides she wasn't worth going to jail. [I have a clean record].
I immediately called Q once I got to my car and told him that I would be busy tonight and he didn't need to come over. He asked me why twice...and my response..."because I'm busy." I knew he was confused and maybe a little bit hurt, but I didn't care I was pissed. However, my boy told me not to play games with him and just tell him what happened, so I did.
I explained the entire scenario that had happened at the mall, Q assured me that this chick was absolutely no one important and just someone he'd...well....had sex with on more than one occasion in the past, but she was def nobody special. He was so mad that he wanted to leave work early and come over and explain in person, but I wasn't having it. Instead I went to a concert with my ABC [ace boon coon] and tried to forget about everything.
But I couldn't....
By the time I got home it was past midnight and Q insisted that I let him come over even if it was just for 5 minutes to explain. So I let him...[mistake].
I opened the door with a blank [purposefully] expression on my face and tell him to come in. He sits on the couch and starts telling me the truth about this [wack ass] broad.
Q: Look we never "dated" per say. I never took this chick anywhere besides star bucks or some local diner if that. It was sex, that's all it was and if she thinks otherwise then she's highly mistaken.
Me: So when was the last time you "dealt" with her?
Q: At least 6 months ago. When you saw me talking to her in the club I was just being cordial, it wasn't what you thought.
Me: Well she said you guys have an "on again-off again" relationship...is that true?
::crickets::
Q: Yes. Well it was true..but there won't be anything on again with her..ever again. Believe that.
Me: Believe that? Why should I Q, you lied to my face! You made me look like an idiot...why?
Q: The only reason I told you she was a co-worker is because I didn't want to cause drama and ruin your night out. I really had planned to tell you. Besides sweetheart, this girl is not anyone I would ever have a serious relationship with. I can name at least 7 dudes she's been with off the top of my head. She's grimy, she even tried to get down with her girl's man. Come on now..I don't want her...I want you.
Me: Well prove it...and don't lie to me again. There's nothing more in this world I despise more than a liar, just tell me the truth. I'd rather hear it from you than from someone else.
::pulling me into his arms and kissing my forehead::
Q: It won't happen again, I promise.
Me: Ok...
...We went to sleep, but I slept far on the other side of the bed.
FYI: To my fav person [ you know who you are] I'm glad I waited .
I made a run to the mall in the middle of a day to pick up something that I had been meaning to get for weeks. Q and I had just got off the phone and I couldn't help but walk thru the mall grinning about our convo. I spotted a friend at the makeup counter in Nordstrom and went over to talk to her, 5 minutes into my conversation I felt a tap on my shoulder...
It was her, the chick from the bar/lounge that had cut her eyes at me all night.
TC: Hi, I didn't get a chance to introduce myself to you that night at the lounge, I'm Lauren.
Me: Oh, well nice to meet you, Q told me you and him used to work together? [Phony smile]
TC: [laughing] Work together? Why would he say that..hmm? No we dated....for a long time.
::I was trying not to show my obvious shock, but I'm so bad with facial expressions::
Me: Oh ok, well it was kind of loud in the lounge, maybe he did mention that [I lied].
TC: Yea me and Q have always had this on and off relationship...right now we're off, but we always find our way back to each other.
Me: Interesting...well you have a great day, I'm going to finish shopping.
TC: You too...oh and tell Q I said hi and I'll be giving him a call real soon.
PAUSE: No this biatch didn't! UGH. I wanted to scream, slap the hell out of her, and pull those long misguided tracks out of her head. Instead I bit my tongue and just walked away, besides she wasn't worth going to jail. [I have a clean record].
I immediately called Q once I got to my car and told him that I would be busy tonight and he didn't need to come over. He asked me why twice...and my response..."because I'm busy." I knew he was confused and maybe a little bit hurt, but I didn't care I was pissed. However, my boy told me not to play games with him and just tell him what happened, so I did.
I explained the entire scenario that had happened at the mall, Q assured me that this chick was absolutely no one important and just someone he'd...well....had sex with on more than one occasion in the past, but she was def nobody special. He was so mad that he wanted to leave work early and come over and explain in person, but I wasn't having it. Instead I went to a concert with my ABC [ace boon coon] and tried to forget about everything.
But I couldn't....
By the time I got home it was past midnight and Q insisted that I let him come over even if it was just for 5 minutes to explain. So I let him...[mistake].
I opened the door with a blank [purposefully] expression on my face and tell him to come in. He sits on the couch and starts telling me the truth about this [wack ass] broad.
Q: Look we never "dated" per say. I never took this chick anywhere besides star bucks or some local diner if that. It was sex, that's all it was and if she thinks otherwise then she's highly mistaken.
Me: So when was the last time you "dealt" with her?
Q: At least 6 months ago. When you saw me talking to her in the club I was just being cordial, it wasn't what you thought.
Me: Well she said you guys have an "on again-off again" relationship...is that true?
::crickets::
Q: Yes. Well it was true..but there won't be anything on again with her..ever again. Believe that.
Me: Believe that? Why should I Q, you lied to my face! You made me look like an idiot...why?
Q: The only reason I told you she was a co-worker is because I didn't want to cause drama and ruin your night out. I really had planned to tell you. Besides sweetheart, this girl is not anyone I would ever have a serious relationship with. I can name at least 7 dudes she's been with off the top of my head. She's grimy, she even tried to get down with her girl's man. Come on now..I don't want her...I want you.
Me: Well prove it...and don't lie to me again. There's nothing more in this world I despise more than a liar, just tell me the truth. I'd rather hear it from you than from someone else.
::pulling me into his arms and kissing my forehead::
Q: It won't happen again, I promise.
Me: Ok...
...We went to sleep, but I slept far on the other side of the bed.
FYI: To my fav person [ you know who you are] I'm glad I waited .
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
The Truth| ALL MEN LIE
"You guys, I've discovered one of the unknown truth about men," I expressed to my co-workers over lunch. Brandon and Monica both raised their eyebrows and said in unison, "What is it?"
"That they all lie!" I answered.
Monica shook her head and said "You're right about that girl!" Brandon rolled his eyes and said that it wasn't true.
"See there," I said to Brandon "you're lying RIGHT now..and for what?" He laughed and I explained to them how I had come to this conclusion by two situations that happened to me in the last 7 days.
Situation 1
The clock read 10:30 p.m., the Hills had come on and gone off, the dishes were washed, and I was still waiting for RJ. "I'll be there by 9:30, he had told me just 3 hours ago."
Maybe something had happened, I should give him the benefit of the doubt right? [wrong] I called, twice...no answer. Five minutes later he calls me back...
Him: Hey my bad, I'm on the way [ lying]
Me: What happened I thought you were gonna be here in an hour ago?
Him: I got caught up with one of my boys, he needed my help. [lying]
Me: Oh ok, well I'll see you when you get here.
::Click::
I couldn't believe he had just blatantly lied to me like that. One of our mutual friends had innocently text me that he was at the same place as RJ watching the big game. I just didn't get it, what was the big deal? Why couldn't he just tell me he was watching the game with his boys and would be over after? It makes no sense to me.
I didn't say anything about it when he finally did come over, I just let it go and made a mental note to myself.
Situation 2
Q [the older man] explained on a particular Friday night that he was beat from a long day at work and was just gonna stay in and hit the sheets. I had absolutely no problem with that since we had been with each other for the past 3 days. Besides I wanted to hang with the girls anyway and that's exactly what I did. A couple of old friends and I headed downtown to d.c. to chill at a bar/lounge.
Imagine my surprise when I was sipping on my martini and talking to some random [dude] when I spotted Q across the room whispering in some chicks ear. My mouth dropped, I wasn't gonna cause a scene or act crazy [ it's not like we're exclusive]. I guess he felt someone staring at him because he looked up and our eyes met. I shook my head, looked away, and pretended that this random [wack dude] was the most interesting person on Earth.
Q grabbed my hand, I pulled away.
Him: hey don't be like that, I used to work with that woman, I was just talking to her.
Me: I don't care about you talking to that woman Q...that's not what I'm mad at.
Him: Look I did not want to come out tonight, I really wanted to stay inside but one of my boys had a bad day and wanted to come out [just lying].
Me: Ok Q, it's fine really. Enjoy your night.
::I smiled, walked away, and continued talking to my girls like nothing had happened::
Q came after me, held me from behind, and whispered he was sorry again in my ear. I let it go...once again. However I still didn't get it. Why couldn't he just tell me that he wanted to go out with his boys that night? I wouldn't have cared, really!
FYI: that chick cut her eyes at me the whole night...hmm
...
"Well," my male co-worker said obviously amused by male bashing stories. "That's what men do, we lie about simple sh*t, I don't know why we just do."
Me: So what are women supposed to do just accept it?
Him: Yea because we won't stop lying..that's just how it is.
Me: Well ok then...
::I give up::
"That they all lie!" I answered.
Monica shook her head and said "You're right about that girl!" Brandon rolled his eyes and said that it wasn't true.
"See there," I said to Brandon "you're lying RIGHT now..and for what?" He laughed and I explained to them how I had come to this conclusion by two situations that happened to me in the last 7 days.
Situation 1
The clock read 10:30 p.m., the Hills had come on and gone off, the dishes were washed, and I was still waiting for RJ. "I'll be there by 9:30, he had told me just 3 hours ago."
Maybe something had happened, I should give him the benefit of the doubt right? [wrong] I called, twice...no answer. Five minutes later he calls me back...
Him: Hey my bad, I'm on the way [ lying]
Me: What happened I thought you were gonna be here in an hour ago?
Him: I got caught up with one of my boys, he needed my help. [lying]
Me: Oh ok, well I'll see you when you get here.
::Click::
I couldn't believe he had just blatantly lied to me like that. One of our mutual friends had innocently text me that he was at the same place as RJ watching the big game. I just didn't get it, what was the big deal? Why couldn't he just tell me he was watching the game with his boys and would be over after? It makes no sense to me.
I didn't say anything about it when he finally did come over, I just let it go and made a mental note to myself.
Situation 2
Q [the older man] explained on a particular Friday night that he was beat from a long day at work and was just gonna stay in and hit the sheets. I had absolutely no problem with that since we had been with each other for the past 3 days. Besides I wanted to hang with the girls anyway and that's exactly what I did. A couple of old friends and I headed downtown to d.c. to chill at a bar/lounge.
Imagine my surprise when I was sipping on my martini and talking to some random [dude] when I spotted Q across the room whispering in some chicks ear. My mouth dropped, I wasn't gonna cause a scene or act crazy [ it's not like we're exclusive]. I guess he felt someone staring at him because he looked up and our eyes met. I shook my head, looked away, and pretended that this random [wack dude] was the most interesting person on Earth.
Q grabbed my hand, I pulled away.
Him: hey don't be like that, I used to work with that woman, I was just talking to her.
Me: I don't care about you talking to that woman Q...that's not what I'm mad at.
Him: Look I did not want to come out tonight, I really wanted to stay inside but one of my boys had a bad day and wanted to come out [just lying].
Me: Ok Q, it's fine really. Enjoy your night.
::I smiled, walked away, and continued talking to my girls like nothing had happened::
Q came after me, held me from behind, and whispered he was sorry again in my ear. I let it go...once again. However I still didn't get it. Why couldn't he just tell me that he wanted to go out with his boys that night? I wouldn't have cared, really!
FYI: that chick cut her eyes at me the whole night...hmm
...
"Well," my male co-worker said obviously amused by male bashing stories. "That's what men do, we lie about simple sh*t, I don't know why we just do."
Me: So what are women supposed to do just accept it?
Him: Yea because we won't stop lying..that's just how it is.
Me: Well ok then...
::I give up::
Friday, September 12, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
That Old Man Swag
{He has nothing to do with this post. he's just fine..and i wanted to look at him. that is all}
Back to our regularly scheduled program:
I am so confused.
Forget that.
I'm lost...I don't get it. What-the-hell-is going-on?
As of late, I can't seem to shake the o.m.s., you know the old man swag. Every other day there seems to be some "man" between the ages of 28-35 approaching me. I find myself looking in the mirror more to see if something has changed, nope still the same.
Maybe it's the area I work in, there are lots of successful older black men around who seem to want a PYT {Yes JP I'm still a PYT} on there are arm. It's almost disgusting. I'm sure there are plenty of successful 30+ women who would love to date someone of their caliber and age.
Now don't get me wrong, Q is an older man and he's great. Although our differences can sometimes be obvious and annoying I still like him all the same, but he's where I draw the line. It's as if these o.m.s. can smell that I'm dating someone older...they're preying on me.
Yesterday...
I bounced out of work [early-smh] to go get my hair done [down the street] at my God-Mother's salon. My uncle [her brother] stood in the long driveway watching me pull up. He glanced at his watch and looked at me like I had 4 eyes, "you just bounced outta work huh, dag on shame" he yelled at me as he walked back into the salon. I gave him a look like I know you're not talking.
Three of my godbrothers and my little godsister were playing in the yard [mind you they're all under the age of 10 and hyperactive].
"Sweetheart, sweetheart" they yelled jumping all over me and my still unwrinkled dress. I gave them a big hug and promised I'd be back outside later to play with them.
"SweetHeart!" This time someone I didn't really care for was yelling my name like I was her best friend. I gave her a phoney smile [you know the kind where you don't show your teeth] and waved my hand. "Girl, I have a surprise for you" she said, "I'm so glad you're here." Mind you this is a grown ass woman [30+] who still dresses like she's 16.
I nodded my head, kissed my Godmother and went around the salon to say my hellos.
20 minutes later....that "woman" calls my name again. "Someones out front to see you," she says smiling way to hard. Out of curiosity I go outside and notice a big black Navigator sitting in the drive way. The window rolls down and it's a familiar face.
Him: Hey pretty lady, you remember me?
Me: Yea, I think so, you were at that cookout, right?
Him: Yep, that was me. I haven't been able to get you off of my mind since that day
Me: Um. that was two months ago.
Him: I know right...it's been a long two months girl.
Me: Well it was nice seeing you again (I start slowly backing away from the car)
Him: Wait..wait..come back!! I just want to talk to you for a second..dag.
Me: Look I'm not trying to be rude, but you're way to old for me.
Him: Girl, I'm only 35. You acting like I'm John McCain or something.
::I laugh..hard::
Me: I'm not dating right now...sorry. [yea I lied]
Him: Who says I want to date..I just want to be your friend..take you out..
::crickets::
The radio is playing in the background and T.I.'s "Whatever you like" comes on, mind you I'm still trying to back away from the car.
Him:You like this song..Whatevvvvvvvvver you like..yeaaaaaaaa...
::he then proceeds to point at me and starts singing the full chorus:: My mouth drops open and I look both ways to make sure no one is watching this..this..this fool embarrass himself.
Me: Well I have to go.
I start walking [running] back into the salon.
Him: Waitttttttt you didn't get my num-
The salon door closes before he can finish his sentence, I give that "woman" the side eye and make my way out back to play with the kids.
"Who was that old man?" the youngest one ask me.
"Nobody sweetie, nobody at all."
Forget that.
I'm lost...I don't get it. What-the-hell-is going-on?
As of late, I can't seem to shake the o.m.s., you know the old man swag. Every other day there seems to be some "man" between the ages of 28-35 approaching me. I find myself looking in the mirror more to see if something has changed, nope still the same.
Maybe it's the area I work in, there are lots of successful older black men around who seem to want a PYT {Yes JP I'm still a PYT} on there are arm. It's almost disgusting. I'm sure there are plenty of successful 30+ women who would love to date someone of their caliber and age.
Now don't get me wrong, Q is an older man and he's great. Although our differences can sometimes be obvious and annoying I still like him all the same, but he's where I draw the line. It's as if these o.m.s. can smell that I'm dating someone older...they're preying on me.
Yesterday...
I bounced out of work [early-smh] to go get my hair done [down the street] at my God-Mother's salon. My uncle [her brother] stood in the long driveway watching me pull up. He glanced at his watch and looked at me like I had 4 eyes, "you just bounced outta work huh, dag on shame" he yelled at me as he walked back into the salon. I gave him a look like I know you're not talking.
Three of my godbrothers and my little godsister were playing in the yard [mind you they're all under the age of 10 and hyperactive].
"Sweetheart, sweetheart" they yelled jumping all over me and my still unwrinkled dress. I gave them a big hug and promised I'd be back outside later to play with them.
"SweetHeart!" This time someone I didn't really care for was yelling my name like I was her best friend. I gave her a phoney smile [you know the kind where you don't show your teeth] and waved my hand. "Girl, I have a surprise for you" she said, "I'm so glad you're here." Mind you this is a grown ass woman [30+] who still dresses like she's 16.
I nodded my head, kissed my Godmother and went around the salon to say my hellos.
20 minutes later....that "woman" calls my name again. "Someones out front to see you," she says smiling way to hard. Out of curiosity I go outside and notice a big black Navigator sitting in the drive way. The window rolls down and it's a familiar face.
Him: Hey pretty lady, you remember me?
Me: Yea, I think so, you were at that cookout, right?
Him: Yep, that was me. I haven't been able to get you off of my mind since that day
Me: Um. that was two months ago.
Him: I know right...it's been a long two months girl.
Me: Well it was nice seeing you again (I start slowly backing away from the car)
Him: Wait..wait..come back!! I just want to talk to you for a second..dag.
Me: Look I'm not trying to be rude, but you're way to old for me.
Him: Girl, I'm only 35. You acting like I'm John McCain or something.
::I laugh..hard::
Me: I'm not dating right now...sorry. [yea I lied]
Him: Who says I want to date..I just want to be your friend..take you out..
::crickets::
The radio is playing in the background and T.I.'s "Whatever you like" comes on, mind you I'm still trying to back away from the car.
Him:You like this song..Whatevvvvvvvvver you like..yeaaaaaaaa...
::he then proceeds to point at me and starts singing the full chorus:: My mouth drops open and I look both ways to make sure no one is watching this..this..this fool embarrass himself.
Me: Well I have to go.
I start walking [running] back into the salon.
Him: Waitttttttt you didn't get my num-
The salon door closes before he can finish his sentence, I give that "woman" the side eye and make my way out back to play with the kids.
"Who was that old man?" the youngest one ask me.
"Nobody sweetie, nobody at all."
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Up-up-up-upgrade Me...Well You
Confession: I've always been the type of girl who held a job and made my own way, even when I really didn't have to. I did everything in my power to relieve the stress on my parents when it came to the cost of my college education. I applied and received the scholarships and got any small loans needed to make sure that my parents didn't have to come out of pocket [current cost of tuition at my Alma mater=$42,000 per year]. I had no co-signers for school loans, I did it on my own. When I graduated I moved into my very first apartment, paid almost $2,000 in rent every month [by myself], bought all of my furniture [brand new], and never once asked my parents for a dime. I just recently purchased a 2008 brand spankin new whip, with an affordable car note, and no I didn't need a co-signer for that either. I manage to pay rent, a car note, insurance, cable, electricity, etc. every single month on time, by myself, with no help. I'm independent, I love that I don't have to depend on anyone else but me, it really is the greatest feeling in the world. With that said...you can see why I'm hesitant when it comes to men "taking care of me" right? Rightttttttttttt...
I slammed Q's car door and started walking to my apartment. I took a moment, sighed heavily, realized I was being extremely immature and went back to apologize. "I'm sorry," I said. "Yea, me to" he said looking at me while smiling. We kissed good night and I climbed back out to head to my apartment. I threw my bag down, kicked off my shoes, and laid lazily across my living room couch. My mind started to drift back to everything that had happened in just 4 short hours.
It had started off as a wonderful day, my boss was so happy with my project at work, that he gave me another more challenging project that I really wanted to work on. Not even 5 minutes later Q text me that he was taking me out right after work and there were "no, ifs, ands, or buts about it." The end of the day came before I knew it and Q was parked right outside of my building promptly at 6 p.m.
He drove us to my [new] favorite seafood place downtown by the water. I couldn't help but be giddy since I had just told him last week how much I had missed good seafood since being away from home. We were having such a good time, until the check came that is.
Now fellas and ladies, hear me out. For the past 3 months, this man has been taking me out every week and spending God knows how much money on food, fun, and entertainment. So me, being the [independent] woman I am, take the check from the waiter when he comes to the table with it. Q looks at me baffled and tries to grab it from me.
Me: Babe, I got this..let me take care of it [altho the check was well over $100-ouch]
Him: No, please Sweetheart just give me the check
Me: Ok, Q what's the big deal? You're always paying for dinner why can't I pay?
Him: Because that's not your place...
Me: My place? What the hell does that mean?
Him: Look I was raised that a woman shouldn't be paying for anything, that's a man's position.
Me: Wow [shaking my head]
The waiter comes back and I practically throw my gold card at him. Q then gets up and starts walking out of the restaurant. I cannot believe how upset he's getting because I paid for dinner, for once. Ugh..MEN.
We argue the entire way back to my place. Apparently he grew up with a stay at home mom who never worked and his father had always taken care of everything. In fact he said he would prefer it if his wife didn't work either.
Me: Well I guess I won't be your wife then.
Him: I guess not.
By this time we're driving up to my apartment and I'm pissed...so is he.
The noise of my phone buzzing brings me back to reality, it's a text from Q.
"I'm sorry, I was wrong for what I said. I just want to take care of you."
I didn't even know what to say or how to say it. I didn't want to crush his feelings, but uh a man taking "care" of me? No thank you. Besides, I already have a daddy.
I powered my phone off and went to sleep.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
The Bigger Issue
A few months back...
I cleared my throat, wiped the tears from my eyes, swept my hair out of my face, and opened the door to my [then] office. The receptionist mouthed, "are you ok?" I smiled and nodded yes like all was right with the world even though it wasn't. I ran into the bathroom to clean my face so that no one else would notice I had been crying.
My co-worker [fortunately my bff at work] was in the bathroom. I told her I had just gotten in a horrible fight with my ex-boyfriend and I couldn't think straight. He was in my head and my heart. I couldn't get him or all of the horrible things he had just said to me off of my mind. Part of me wanted to hop on a train to D.C. shake the hell out of him until he turned back into the guy I had fallen in love with, but part of me never wanted to talk to him again.
We both had [have] a way of getting underneath each others skin. It's almost as if we soley enjoy hurting one another, I don't get it or understand how it happened. While I was telling my coworker this she continued to fix her hair and then said something to me I'll never forget,
"Sweetheart, just stop. HE'S GOING TO D-E-S-T-R-O-Y YOUR LIFE." With that, she gave one more pat to her head and walked out of the bathroom leaving me alone with my thoughts. I knew she was 100% right in everyway, but my heart still in some way yearned for him. I had been learning the same lesson for way to long. It had been years of on and off drama that was so uneccessary. I thought about the rest of my life....I had a great job, 2 loving and healthy parents, the best friends a girl could ask for, and all the faith in the world to carry me through, and him. He was [is] really my only problem, my only issue, the only "drama" in my life.
It's a drama that I've become accustomed to. That I'm used to. It was [is] so bad to the point where I forget what it was like to not have this "problem" in my life.
Why is that so many of us believe that life has to be hard. We get caught up in it all, thinking that when it gets to easy, something is bound to go wrong. For some reason it gets in grained in our head that for life to be worth anything, we have to struggle...right?
It took me along time to realize that in him and all of his drama I was creating the distraction in my life. Instead of confronting the bigger issue, I let him and all of his problems linger on in my life for a very long time, instead of just letting it GO.
I just don't want to be that girl [woman] who settled for less than she deserved, because she avoided fighting for her hearts desire. I want to get the lesson and move on.
One of my favorite people told me yesterday that he would ask me in September 09 how I felt about him [my ex]. I hope to be in an entirely different place in 365 days...I hope that when he does ask me...I past the test.
I cleared my throat, wiped the tears from my eyes, swept my hair out of my face, and opened the door to my [then] office. The receptionist mouthed, "are you ok?" I smiled and nodded yes like all was right with the world even though it wasn't. I ran into the bathroom to clean my face so that no one else would notice I had been crying.
My co-worker [fortunately my bff at work] was in the bathroom. I told her I had just gotten in a horrible fight with my ex-boyfriend and I couldn't think straight. He was in my head and my heart. I couldn't get him or all of the horrible things he had just said to me off of my mind. Part of me wanted to hop on a train to D.C. shake the hell out of him until he turned back into the guy I had fallen in love with, but part of me never wanted to talk to him again.
We both had [have] a way of getting underneath each others skin. It's almost as if we soley enjoy hurting one another, I don't get it or understand how it happened. While I was telling my coworker this she continued to fix her hair and then said something to me I'll never forget,
"Sweetheart, just stop. HE'S GOING TO D-E-S-T-R-O-Y YOUR LIFE." With that, she gave one more pat to her head and walked out of the bathroom leaving me alone with my thoughts. I knew she was 100% right in everyway, but my heart still in some way yearned for him. I had been learning the same lesson for way to long. It had been years of on and off drama that was so uneccessary. I thought about the rest of my life....I had a great job, 2 loving and healthy parents, the best friends a girl could ask for, and all the faith in the world to carry me through, and him. He was [is] really my only problem, my only issue, the only "drama" in my life.
It's a drama that I've become accustomed to. That I'm used to. It was [is] so bad to the point where I forget what it was like to not have this "problem" in my life.
Why is that so many of us believe that life has to be hard. We get caught up in it all, thinking that when it gets to easy, something is bound to go wrong. For some reason it gets in grained in our head that for life to be worth anything, we have to struggle...right?
It took me along time to realize that in him and all of his drama I was creating the distraction in my life. Instead of confronting the bigger issue, I let him and all of his problems linger on in my life for a very long time, instead of just letting it GO.
I just don't want to be that girl [woman] who settled for less than she deserved, because she avoided fighting for her hearts desire. I want to get the lesson and move on.
One of my favorite people told me yesterday that he would ask me in September 09 how I felt about him [my ex]. I hope to be in an entirely different place in 365 days...I hope that when he does ask me...I past the test.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Let's Wait Awhile...
"Strikeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....I mean gutter ball!" I playfully yelled out loud to Q as he attempted to out do my score during our fourth straight game of bowling against each other. He looked back at me, gave me a smirk, and still managed to knock down 7 pins even with my interruption.
"Ha, beat that" he said.
We were having one of those great dates, you know the kind where everything he says is funny, when you can't stop smiling, and where living in the moment really is all that matters. I sashayed [purposefully] to pick up my ball. I had on my favorite jeans, the ones that are just the perfect fit, I knew he was watching me walk, I wanted him to.
I focused my eyes on the pins like I was gunning for a gold medal. Q laughed hard in the background and started shouting all types of things to distract me. I paid him no mind and hit my third strike of the night. I thru my hands up Michael Phelps style and did my winning dance, "I won, I won." Q scooped me up, threw me over his shoulders, and we exited the bowling alley [don't worry we returned the awful rented shoes].
"Where are we going next?" I asked.
"Back to your place." He said smiling.
My heart skipped a beat. Although he had been to my place to drop me off or stop in briefly we had never really chilled there. We always went to his house and I was more comfortable with that. In many ways I'm a private person, I don't like letting people into my personal space. However, I said nothing because it had been 3 months, and he always opened his home to me so why couldn't I open mine to him.
Just as I was becoming okay with the idea, another thought hit me. It had beeeeen 3 months...3 months....did he think...yes he def thinks it's time we stop playing and have sex. Sure we had our moments, but we had never gone all the way [yes I know that sounds old fashion]. I loved him for that, for being patient, a gentlemen, and not rushing me. He really didn't bring it up, (not that he didn't/doesn't) try. I've always been the kind of girl who believes in only sleeping with someone when you're in a committed relationship. Sex complicates things...it can hurt people...it can make you feel used..and ruin a great thing. I didn't want that to happen to us, I wanted us to take our time.
Every bad thought was running thru my mind. What if I sleep with him and then that's it? What if he's not as consistent as he has been? What if he ditches me the next week? It's not that I didn't want to, I just became...scared...of what would happen afterwards. This is after all an older man. Are the rules different when it comes to sex? 20 something males are so predictable because for the most part they're only after one thing. However, with Q it was hard to tell, he's so mature, there are no games, there's just clarity.
Before I knew it we were at my place, making out on my couch, and I felt him reaching into his pocket...."wait" I said.
"Ha, beat that" he said.
We were having one of those great dates, you know the kind where everything he says is funny, when you can't stop smiling, and where living in the moment really is all that matters. I sashayed [purposefully] to pick up my ball. I had on my favorite jeans, the ones that are just the perfect fit, I knew he was watching me walk, I wanted him to.
I focused my eyes on the pins like I was gunning for a gold medal. Q laughed hard in the background and started shouting all types of things to distract me. I paid him no mind and hit my third strike of the night. I thru my hands up Michael Phelps style and did my winning dance, "I won, I won." Q scooped me up, threw me over his shoulders, and we exited the bowling alley [don't worry we returned the awful rented shoes].
"Where are we going next?" I asked.
"Back to your place." He said smiling.
My heart skipped a beat. Although he had been to my place to drop me off or stop in briefly we had never really chilled there. We always went to his house and I was more comfortable with that. In many ways I'm a private person, I don't like letting people into my personal space. However, I said nothing because it had been 3 months, and he always opened his home to me so why couldn't I open mine to him.
Just as I was becoming okay with the idea, another thought hit me. It had beeeeen 3 months...3 months....did he think...yes he def thinks it's time we stop playing and have sex. Sure we had our moments, but we had never gone all the way [yes I know that sounds old fashion]. I loved him for that, for being patient, a gentlemen, and not rushing me. He really didn't bring it up, (not that he didn't/doesn't) try. I've always been the kind of girl who believes in only sleeping with someone when you're in a committed relationship. Sex complicates things...it can hurt people...it can make you feel used..and ruin a great thing. I didn't want that to happen to us, I wanted us to take our time.
Every bad thought was running thru my mind. What if I sleep with him and then that's it? What if he's not as consistent as he has been? What if he ditches me the next week? It's not that I didn't want to, I just became...scared...of what would happen afterwards. This is after all an older man. Are the rules different when it comes to sex? 20 something males are so predictable because for the most part they're only after one thing. However, with Q it was hard to tell, he's so mature, there are no games, there's just clarity.
Before I knew it we were at my place, making out on my couch, and I felt him reaching into his pocket...."wait" I said.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Continued...
I stared at the clock in my dorm room as the 5 o'clock hour seemed to be taking forever. 50...51...52...59...6:00 p.m. ::silence:: I waited [impatiently] as the time turned to 6:01..02...15...30...and then finally I heard a knock at my door.
I opened the door to find [him] the man I once thought was the love of my life staring back at me. He stood bag in hand, Polo jacket on with a mischievous grin on his face. I smiled at him and opened the door a little wider for him to enter. He put his bag down and no words were spoken as he begin to kiss all over me, grabbing my hair, and tugging at my clothes.
All of a sudden I began pushing him...pushing him hard to get off of me. "Get out," I screamed. He looked at me in shock and confused as to what brought on my sudden change of heart. I kept pushing him as memories of all the horrible things he had done to me flashed in my mind. "Get out, get out, get out," I said with tears streaming down my face. He grabbed his stuff, and started yelling at me, but I screamed over whatever he was saying as I continued to push him toward the door.
He slammed the door and exited my dorm room and life [at the time]. My entire body began to shake as I cried and cried about...everything. I felt so alone..so hurt...and so stupid for what I had almost done.I curled up into a fetal position in my bed, with dried tears on my face, a heavy heart, and went to sleep.
SweetHeart...SweetHeart..SweetHeart..someone was whispering loud into my ear. I turned around to find my boyfriend smiling down at me and I realized that the day had never even begun, which meant that [he] had never come, and that I still had time to make it right.
I kissed my man lightly on the lips, grabbed my phone, and went into the bathroom. I dialed his number and waited for him to answer;
Him: What's up baby girl..I'm packing my bag now
Me: I don't want you to come
Him: What the hell..why?
Me: Because....I have a great man in my life who loves me and treats me right. Besides I'd rather be in love than sprung any day.
I hung up my phone without waiting for him to say another word and powered it off. I went back into the room, melted into my baby's arms and slept peacefully for the entire day.
I opened the door to find [him] the man I once thought was the love of my life staring back at me. He stood bag in hand, Polo jacket on with a mischievous grin on his face. I smiled at him and opened the door a little wider for him to enter. He put his bag down and no words were spoken as he begin to kiss all over me, grabbing my hair, and tugging at my clothes.
All of a sudden I began pushing him...pushing him hard to get off of me. "Get out," I screamed. He looked at me in shock and confused as to what brought on my sudden change of heart. I kept pushing him as memories of all the horrible things he had done to me flashed in my mind. "Get out, get out, get out," I said with tears streaming down my face. He grabbed his stuff, and started yelling at me, but I screamed over whatever he was saying as I continued to push him toward the door.
He slammed the door and exited my dorm room and life [at the time]. My entire body began to shake as I cried and cried about...everything. I felt so alone..so hurt...and so stupid for what I had almost done.I curled up into a fetal position in my bed, with dried tears on my face, a heavy heart, and went to sleep.
SweetHeart...SweetHeart..SweetHeart..someone was whispering loud into my ear. I turned around to find my boyfriend smiling down at me and I realized that the day had never even begun, which meant that [he] had never come, and that I still had time to make it right.
I kissed my man lightly on the lips, grabbed my phone, and went into the bathroom. I dialed his number and waited for him to answer;
Him: What's up baby girl..I'm packing my bag now
Me: I don't want you to come
Him: What the hell..why?
Me: Because....I have a great man in my life who loves me and treats me right. Besides I'd rather be in love than sprung any day.
I hung up my phone without waiting for him to say another word and powered it off. I went back into the room, melted into my baby's arms and slept peacefully for the entire day.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Sprung vs. In Love
Everyone [well almost] has been sprung once upon a time. You know that all you can think about feeling of just wanting someone so bad you don't care about the consequences. It's like an addiction of never being able to get...enough. Although he [or she] may not treat you right, or be the "one" for you, they still are on your mind all the time, because it really is that good.
A Few Years Back...
I sat on the edge of my dorm room bed with my head in my hands, my boyfriend slept peacefully with a smile on his face like he was in the middle of a great dream. I glanced over and admired his chiseled body,fresh hair cut, and the dimple in his right cheek. I guess he felt me staring at him because he reached over and squeezed my hand. I was absolutely falling in love with him,especially at that moment.
I gently squeezed his hand back and got up to head to the bathroom when I heard my phone vibrate. My ex's name appeared on the caller i.d. and I ran out the room to answer it.
Him: I miss you (he said before I could barely say hello) and I know you miss me too
Me: No...[lying] I don't miss you...and my boyfriends in the other room [whispering]
Him:Come on now sweet heart...you know that dude is not making you feel the way I do
::I could feel my heart beating faster::
Me: He makes me happier, he treats me right, unlike you.
Him: Yea, but you still want it..don't lie. I know you do because I want it to.
::My mind immediately flashed back to the last time we were together in our favorite hotel room. We could barely enter the room before he had me up against the wall, kissing all over me, whispering in my ear [i have no idea what he was saying]. I was just in the moment of us and that's all that mattered. Every worry...burden..and problem seemed to fade away as I became lost in his embrace and scent. I didn't care that he treated me so bad, or that he took me for granted, or the fact that I wasn't sure if he even loved me anymore. All I knew, is that I wanted him...and nothing was gonna stop me from having him::
I came back to reality as I realized he was on the other side of the phone screaming my name and I was still standing in the bathroom daydreaming.
Him: So You want me to come visit you this weekend?
Me: ....[silence]
Him: Great, I'll be there tomorrow at 6...bye.
Part of me wanted to call him back and tell him hell no, I didn't want him to come nor did he need to. Instead I shut my phone and went back into my room to my boyfriend who treated me like a queen. He scooped me into his arms and began kissing me softly on my neck, "I love you" he whispered....
"I love you too, baby" I said.
He held me so tight that night as he slept with not a care in the world. I however, was counting down the hours until the new day would arrive and 6 p.m. would come....when I could get my high, my feeling of no worries, the lust I needed just one last time.
A Few Years Back...
I sat on the edge of my dorm room bed with my head in my hands, my boyfriend slept peacefully with a smile on his face like he was in the middle of a great dream. I glanced over and admired his chiseled body,fresh hair cut, and the dimple in his right cheek. I guess he felt me staring at him because he reached over and squeezed my hand. I was absolutely falling in love with him,especially at that moment.
I gently squeezed his hand back and got up to head to the bathroom when I heard my phone vibrate. My ex's name appeared on the caller i.d. and I ran out the room to answer it.
Him: I miss you (he said before I could barely say hello) and I know you miss me too
Me: No...[lying] I don't miss you...and my boyfriends in the other room [whispering]
Him:Come on now sweet heart...you know that dude is not making you feel the way I do
::I could feel my heart beating faster::
Me: He makes me happier, he treats me right, unlike you.
Him: Yea, but you still want it..don't lie. I know you do because I want it to.
::My mind immediately flashed back to the last time we were together in our favorite hotel room. We could barely enter the room before he had me up against the wall, kissing all over me, whispering in my ear [i have no idea what he was saying]. I was just in the moment of us and that's all that mattered. Every worry...burden..and problem seemed to fade away as I became lost in his embrace and scent. I didn't care that he treated me so bad, or that he took me for granted, or the fact that I wasn't sure if he even loved me anymore. All I knew, is that I wanted him...and nothing was gonna stop me from having him::
I came back to reality as I realized he was on the other side of the phone screaming my name and I was still standing in the bathroom daydreaming.
Him: So You want me to come visit you this weekend?
Me: ....[silence]
Him: Great, I'll be there tomorrow at 6...bye.
Part of me wanted to call him back and tell him hell no, I didn't want him to come nor did he need to. Instead I shut my phone and went back into my room to my boyfriend who treated me like a queen. He scooped me into his arms and began kissing me softly on my neck, "I love you" he whispered....
"I love you too, baby" I said.
He held me so tight that night as he slept with not a care in the world. I however, was counting down the hours until the new day would arrive and 6 p.m. would come....when I could get my high, my feeling of no worries, the lust I needed just one last time.
I can't stop smiling, crying, and jumping for joy...
Please appreciate the moment..I'll do a real post tomorrow:) Just let me dwell in happiness for now...
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
The Possibility
I'm so excited...more like jumping for joy.
Do you understand..do you realize how big and important tonight really is? Tonight we WATCH history with our own eyes. The kind of history that our kids- kids will be studying in their history books for years to come. Tonight we watch the first steps of a BLACK man being nominated for President of the United States.
I stayed up late to watch Michelle Obama's interview on TV-One with Roland Martin. I couldn't sleep thinking about how she spoke so effortlessly with such poise and how you could tell that she genuinely meant every word she said.
"Possibility, we have the possibility to fundamentally change the world," Michelle told Roland last night.
That in itself is beyond deep. I hope that we really understand how GREAT this can be. We have not only the possibility, but the opportunity to change the world...
I stayed up late to watch Michelle Obama's interview on TV-One with Roland Martin. I couldn't sleep thinking about how she spoke so effortlessly with such poise and how you could tell that she genuinely meant every word she said.
"Possibility, we have the possibility to fundamentally change the world," Michelle told Roland last night.
That in itself is beyond deep. I hope that we really understand how GREAT this can be. We have not only the possibility, but the opportunity to change the world...
Don't take this possibility for gratned, dwell in it.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Random Friday Thoughts
1.) I'm so excited that the weekend is finallllllllly here.
2.) Am I the only loser who signed up to get a text sent to my phone for Obama's VP?
3.) Why when new men come in your life, the old one's always want to come crawling back?
4.) WTH is wrong with the U.S. Track and Field...ugh.
5.) I still think my co-worker is really nosey.
6.) Solange Knowles is finally coming out of her sisters shadow..and it's a good thing.
7.) Is it wrong that I turned down a date because I didn't want to miss the Hills? (it was the premiere tho, I'm just saying).
8.) Why is Faith bringing all this Tupac/Biggie/Lil' Kim drama back to reality...let it go.
9.) I love how much my parents love me unconditionally, despite how crazy I might drive them.
10.) I really wish they'd replace Lil'Mama on ABDC.
11.) There's really nothing like working for live t.v.
12.) I would never want to be in any other industry
13.) I low key have a crush on Manxilla...:) (the real one).
14.) I'm really bothered that a guy I talked to freshman year of h.s. still has the same stocking job in the local grocery store 9 yrs later (double sigh).
15.) Does your first love ever go away?
16.) The Chinese gymnastics team is def not 16..are you kidding me?
17.) I can't believe I'm sick...again.
18.) I wish someone would have explained the real world to me...in more detail before I entered it.
19.) The best kind of friend is the one you can call and laugh with about absolutely nothing (shout out to S.dot-she keeps me sane).
20.) I can't stand lazy people.
21.) Shouldn't there come a time in life when you get the lesson..and that time shouldn't be at 40...right?
22.) I like Souljah Boy...alot..but don't tell anyone.
23.) Neyo's Ms. Independent video really looks like he's on the set of my job..no lie.
24.) I'll be watching the Bow-Wow and Game Madden tourney...yea i know there wack..but still entertaining none the less.
............................random song..but it's the mood i'm in:)
2.) Am I the only loser who signed up to get a text sent to my phone for Obama's VP?
3.) Why when new men come in your life, the old one's always want to come crawling back?
4.) WTH is wrong with the U.S. Track and Field...ugh.
5.) I still think my co-worker is really nosey.
6.) Solange Knowles is finally coming out of her sisters shadow..and it's a good thing.
7.) Is it wrong that I turned down a date because I didn't want to miss the Hills? (it was the premiere tho, I'm just saying).
8.) Why is Faith bringing all this Tupac/Biggie/Lil' Kim drama back to reality...let it go.
9.) I love how much my parents love me unconditionally, despite how crazy I might drive them.
10.) I really wish they'd replace Lil'Mama on ABDC.
11.) There's really nothing like working for live t.v.
12.) I would never want to be in any other industry
13.) I low key have a crush on Manxilla...:) (the real one).
14.) I'm really bothered that a guy I talked to freshman year of h.s. still has the same stocking job in the local grocery store 9 yrs later (double sigh).
15.) Does your first love ever go away?
16.) The Chinese gymnastics team is def not 16..are you kidding me?
17.) I can't believe I'm sick...again.
18.) I wish someone would have explained the real world to me...in more detail before I entered it.
19.) The best kind of friend is the one you can call and laugh with about absolutely nothing (shout out to S.dot-she keeps me sane).
20.) I can't stand lazy people.
21.) Shouldn't there come a time in life when you get the lesson..and that time shouldn't be at 40...right?
22.) I like Souljah Boy...alot..but don't tell anyone.
23.) Neyo's Ms. Independent video really looks like he's on the set of my job..no lie.
24.) I'll be watching the Bow-Wow and Game Madden tourney...yea i know there wack..but still entertaining none the less.
............................random song..but it's the mood i'm in:)
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Good D*&K and Bad Credit
I rushed out of work yesterday, trying my best to make it to where I had to be on time. I drove with my right knee, held onto my watter bottle, and adjusted the phone so I could listen to my girl as she cried about her boyfriend...again.
I sighed heavily slightly annoyed that after all these years she's still talking to this dude who abuses her mentally on a regular basis. She's convinced that there is no other dude out there for her and is doing everything in her power to hold on to this one. I just don't get it. He switches jobs every month because he can't hold onto one, he still lives with his mama, he has not one, not two, but THREE babies, each by different baby mothers, and he isn't the best looking thing in the world either (I'm just saying).
"What is it about him?" I finally asked getting frustrated with her crying loudly into my ear.
"It's everything," she said. "Its..its..I don't know I can't explain it."
"It's the SEX!" I yelled into the phone.
She just laughed nervously and simply said, "Yea."
She went onto explain that she was convinced that no one in the world could do her like that "man" could. He knew her, she was comfortable with him, she didn't have to pretend with him, and she was afraid of never having that again. I got quiet on the other end of the phone, pondering on my ex and thinking how I used to feel the exact same way.
You get so used to a person sometimes, and there b.s., that you start making excuses for them. I did that for years and years and years, until one day I just got tired of it. All of the fighting and the arguing, lying, cheating, and dumb ish gets old. Although it took me awhile to get the lesson, I'd rather be learning it now, than be 40 and still not getting it.
After an eternity of silence I said quietly into the phone, "Just let it go. You know it's not working for you, and it never will. Relationships and love are about so much more than just good sex. Is this what you want to spend your life doing, fighting for someone who treats you so bad because the sex is good? The only thing this man can possibly give you is Good D&*k and Bad Credit."
::silence::
She said: What if I never find someone that can make me feel good like that, who can hold me like that, who makes me feel so safe, what if that never happens for me again.
I said: You will find it, and when you do, it will be something wonderful, because it's real. Love...real love is much deeper than what happens in the bedroom. And when he comes along, you'll be so thankful for everything that you went thru with the wrong man, so that you'll know what a wonderful man really is when he does come. When that does happen you'll be able to lay a foundation with him, and build a life together, and that's what it's all about.
She said: I get it...I do.
I said: Yep..and besides your mama didn't raise you to be chasing after no man!
We both burst into fits of laughter...
She said: Good D&*K and bad credit, hell that sums up 50% of black men
I said: Yea...you're right.
I sighed heavily slightly annoyed that after all these years she's still talking to this dude who abuses her mentally on a regular basis. She's convinced that there is no other dude out there for her and is doing everything in her power to hold on to this one. I just don't get it. He switches jobs every month because he can't hold onto one, he still lives with his mama, he has not one, not two, but THREE babies, each by different baby mothers, and he isn't the best looking thing in the world either (I'm just saying).
"What is it about him?" I finally asked getting frustrated with her crying loudly into my ear.
"It's everything," she said. "Its..its..I don't know I can't explain it."
"It's the SEX!" I yelled into the phone.
She just laughed nervously and simply said, "Yea."
She went onto explain that she was convinced that no one in the world could do her like that "man" could. He knew her, she was comfortable with him, she didn't have to pretend with him, and she was afraid of never having that again. I got quiet on the other end of the phone, pondering on my ex and thinking how I used to feel the exact same way.
You get so used to a person sometimes, and there b.s., that you start making excuses for them. I did that for years and years and years, until one day I just got tired of it. All of the fighting and the arguing, lying, cheating, and dumb ish gets old. Although it took me awhile to get the lesson, I'd rather be learning it now, than be 40 and still not getting it.
After an eternity of silence I said quietly into the phone, "Just let it go. You know it's not working for you, and it never will. Relationships and love are about so much more than just good sex. Is this what you want to spend your life doing, fighting for someone who treats you so bad because the sex is good? The only thing this man can possibly give you is Good D&*k and Bad Credit."
::silence::
She said: What if I never find someone that can make me feel good like that, who can hold me like that, who makes me feel so safe, what if that never happens for me again.
I said: You will find it, and when you do, it will be something wonderful, because it's real. Love...real love is much deeper than what happens in the bedroom. And when he comes along, you'll be so thankful for everything that you went thru with the wrong man, so that you'll know what a wonderful man really is when he does come. When that does happen you'll be able to lay a foundation with him, and build a life together, and that's what it's all about.
She said: I get it...I do.
I said: Yep..and besides your mama didn't raise you to be chasing after no man!
We both burst into fits of laughter...
She said: Good D&*K and bad credit, hell that sums up 50% of black men
I said: Yea...you're right.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Potatoes, Sides, and Desserts
"I date, I don’t have a boyfriend, …I think everybody has a main man and then you have your meat and potatoes and your sides and your desserts… I was married before so this stuff is a piece of cake."
-Solange Knowles
Confession: I'm dating ALOT and frankly I'm exhausted. I don't know how guys do this, handling numerous women at one time(well men in my case), it's just tiring. When I get off from work I really don't want to do anything at all but dive into my comforter, watch the Hills, eat a good meal, and fall asleep to Sex and The City. But uh, these dudes aren't having that. Every night someone wants to get up, go here, go there, text me about absolutely nothing, and require way more attention than I have time for. On top of that I have to deal with Life, and friends, and parents, and so on and so on. Who has time for all that?
However, I wholeheartedly agree with Solange, I think 99% of women have their main meat, the boo whose been there forever, whose some what of a best friend in an ironic way, who your comfortable with, but who you want to strangle most of the time. He's not your boyfriend per say, but hey he's the closest thing to it.
Then there are the guys, who you talk to on the phone occasionally, sometimes go out with, who you flirt with, and who you love receiving attention from. They balance all the flaws of the main meat and give you a little something extra to look forward to.
Hey a woman needs the sides just as much as the man does...right?
Well in my case anyway.
Btw this is what Solange said.
-Solange Knowles
Confession: I'm dating ALOT and frankly I'm exhausted. I don't know how guys do this, handling numerous women at one time(well men in my case), it's just tiring. When I get off from work I really don't want to do anything at all but dive into my comforter, watch the Hills, eat a good meal, and fall asleep to Sex and The City. But uh, these dudes aren't having that. Every night someone wants to get up, go here, go there, text me about absolutely nothing, and require way more attention than I have time for. On top of that I have to deal with Life, and friends, and parents, and so on and so on. Who has time for all that?
However, I wholeheartedly agree with Solange, I think 99% of women have their main meat, the boo whose been there forever, whose some what of a best friend in an ironic way, who your comfortable with, but who you want to strangle most of the time. He's not your boyfriend per say, but hey he's the closest thing to it.
Then there are the guys, who you talk to on the phone occasionally, sometimes go out with, who you flirt with, and who you love receiving attention from. They balance all the flaws of the main meat and give you a little something extra to look forward to.
Hey a woman needs the sides just as much as the man does...right?
Well in my case anyway.
Btw this is what Solange said.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Foreva-eva
That video bugged me out yesterday...I mean really bugged me out.
It's funny when you're young you never think that in life you might end up a single woman...forever...right? Whether we want to admit it or not, the majority of young women grow up believing that eventually they will get married, have a family, and settle down. There's someone out there for us..there's true love...there's a man who will sweep us off of our feet, well at least that's what we all want to believe.
I put on a tough exterior most of the time, but deep down inside I do hope to find someone who I can spend the rest of my life with, who will be my companion, and my best accessory [cue Michelle Obama here] and I say that in a loving way. Watching that video got me to thinking how different white women and black women have it when it comes to men. Almost 45% of black women are single...single meaning they've never BEEN married. It sounds insane, but it is indeed a fact.
If you would have told me that just 2 years ago, I would have laughed. However, the older I get, it seems to be more of reality that black women really are single for the most part. From the most educated black women running a corporation to the single mom living in an urban community..millions of black women are SINGLE..and it's sad.
I hate to admit this in black and white, but I pay close attention now to the left hand..the finger ring..the sign that an individual is committed. I'm not exaggerating when I say damn near every white woman over 25 at my job has a ring on their finger. Meanwhile the many beautiful black woman who I work with have nothing on there ring finger, just bags under their eyes, a heavy heart, and fierce job title.
Is that what I have to look forward to? A bare ring finer, sleepless nights, and a corner office with a window? I sure hope not.
It's funny when you're young you never think that in life you might end up a single woman...forever...right? Whether we want to admit it or not, the majority of young women grow up believing that eventually they will get married, have a family, and settle down. There's someone out there for us..there's true love...there's a man who will sweep us off of our feet, well at least that's what we all want to believe.
I put on a tough exterior most of the time, but deep down inside I do hope to find someone who I can spend the rest of my life with, who will be my companion, and my best accessory [cue Michelle Obama here] and I say that in a loving way. Watching that video got me to thinking how different white women and black women have it when it comes to men. Almost 45% of black women are single...single meaning they've never BEEN married. It sounds insane, but it is indeed a fact.
If you would have told me that just 2 years ago, I would have laughed. However, the older I get, it seems to be more of reality that black women really are single for the most part. From the most educated black women running a corporation to the single mom living in an urban community..millions of black women are SINGLE..and it's sad.
I hate to admit this in black and white, but I pay close attention now to the left hand..the finger ring..the sign that an individual is committed. I'm not exaggerating when I say damn near every white woman over 25 at my job has a ring on their finger. Meanwhile the many beautiful black woman who I work with have nothing on there ring finger, just bags under their eyes, a heavy heart, and fierce job title.
Is that what I have to look forward to? A bare ring finer, sleepless nights, and a corner office with a window? I sure hope not.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Random Friday Thoughts
1.) I know I'm late but I love Michael Baisden.
2.) My co-worker is really nosey.
3.) There are so many reasons why you shouldn't get close to your jump off.
4.) Quaker Chewy Granola Bars (Smores edition) are delicious!
5.) I need a serious vacation (by myself).
6.) I have the biggest crush (and he'll never know).
7.) Q (the older man) schools me daily. No really.
8.) I'm officially to old to hang out late on weeknights, I just can't do it.
9.) I miss college (I had it so easy and didn't even know it).
10.) I'm starting to like old school music better than new school (maybe it's Young Berg's fault).
11.) I need to make a to do list and stick to it.
12.) I appreciate my parents more and more everyday.
13.) I think Rick Ross needs to stop lying.
14.) I'm way to obsessed with Run's House.
15.) Watching the Olympics is theraputic.
16.) Joel Olsteen's smile kind of scares me.
17.) I'm so mad at Sharon Brown for trying to sue Victoria Olsteen (black folk I tell ya).
18.) I'm so glad gas is coming down.
19.) I really can't believe my electricity bill was $300.
20.) I'm so disappointed in Jamal Bryant.
21.) I love the fact that Beyonce and Jay-Z are wearing their wedding rings now.
22.) If Barack Obama wins the Presidency, I'm taking off for a month for all the parties that will most certainly be going down in the district.
23.) Remember Napster?
24.) Remember when girls used to crimp their hair?
2.) My co-worker is really nosey.
3.) There are so many reasons why you shouldn't get close to your jump off.
4.) Quaker Chewy Granola Bars (Smores edition) are delicious!
5.) I need a serious vacation (by myself).
6.) I have the biggest crush (and he'll never know).
7.) Q (the older man) schools me daily. No really.
8.) I'm officially to old to hang out late on weeknights, I just can't do it.
9.) I miss college (I had it so easy and didn't even know it).
10.) I'm starting to like old school music better than new school (maybe it's Young Berg's fault).
11.) I need to make a to do list and stick to it.
12.) I appreciate my parents more and more everyday.
13.) I think Rick Ross needs to stop lying.
14.) I'm way to obsessed with Run's House.
15.) Watching the Olympics is theraputic.
16.) Joel Olsteen's smile kind of scares me.
17.) I'm so mad at Sharon Brown for trying to sue Victoria Olsteen (black folk I tell ya).
18.) I'm so glad gas is coming down.
19.) I really can't believe my electricity bill was $300.
20.) I'm so disappointed in Jamal Bryant.
21.) I love the fact that Beyonce and Jay-Z are wearing their wedding rings now.
22.) If Barack Obama wins the Presidency, I'm taking off for a month for all the parties that will most certainly be going down in the district.
23.) Remember Napster?
24.) Remember when girls used to crimp their hair?
25.) The new Vibe issue with Jay on the cover is so hot.
26.) I love the Obama family...(can you believe that this is happening..like really!)
27.) God never fails to amaze me.
......that's all for now.
A random song because I'm in a random mood.
......that's all for now.
A random song because I'm in a random mood.
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