I KNOW WHY CAGED BIRDS SING...

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

By: Maya Angelou

The free bird leaps on the back of the win
and floats down stream till the current end

sand dips his wingsin the orange sun ray sand

dares to claim the sky.But a bird that stalks

down his narrow cagecan seldom see through

his bars of ragehis wings are clipped and

his feet are tiedso he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird singswith fearful tril lof the

things unknown but longed for stilland is tune i

s heardon the distant hillfor the caged bird sings

of freedomThe free bird thinks of another breeze

an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees

and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn

and he names the sky his own.But a caged bird

stands on the grave of dreamshis shadow shouts

on a nightmare screamhis wings are clipped and

his feet are tiedso he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird singswith a fearful trill of things

unknownbut longed for stilland his tune is heard

on the distant hillfor the caged birdsings of freedom.


ps. I feel much better, I was just being tested. I get it now.

Something's Missing

I tossed and turned at 5 a.m. on a particular Saturday morning unable to fall back asleep. Everything seemed to be on my mind; I felt guilty, confused, and hurt. My head was spinning, it felt as if I was drowning and there was no one there to save me. Why isn't anyone here to save me, I kept thinking to myself. Before I knew it tears were running down my face and I couldn't figure out why. I pulled the covers over my head and just laid there. My heart was heavy, yes I had a bad day at work yesterday maybe that's what was bothering me. I'm slightly home sick, I'm missing him (but not really because he's right there), I'm going thru some type of withdrawl, I need help. After a few hours I finally managed to fall back asleep with the tears still burning my eyes...something was missing but I couldn't figure it out.



Later on I went thru the motions of the day, running around the city with my friends, laughing, singing, eating, drinking, and smiling (while crying inside). All day long I kept thinking to myself that something was missing, I forgot to do something, and whatever it was..seemed to be becoming a burden on my heart.



The next morning, I lay in bed once again with my heart heavy staring up at the ceiling, and debating if I wanted to go to church. The clock read 7:17 a.m. which meant I had plenty of time to get ready for 11 a.m. service. I shed more tears for no particular reason as I laid there staring at the red digits on the cable box. I looked around my room which was a mess, symbolizing my life. Around 10 a.m. I dragged myself out of bed still convinced that I was forgetting something...what was it. My heart..my heart...it just wouldn't stop hurting.



I sat in the sanctuary at my church trying hard not to stare at the beautiful couple next to me or the happy lady who sat on the other side of me. So I sat there staring blankly ahead, paying no attention to the choir or the church announcements. My mind was still on all the stress of life and that one important thing I was forgetting.

The visiting pastors thunderous voice brought me back to reality. "Are you serving your present age?" he yelled into the mic. "Are you doing what God put you on this earth to do?" "Are you really giving your all? "Do you still have faith?" As he kept preaching I realized that's what was missing, my faith.



I had been so busy ignoring Him, trying to do it all on my own, being mad at Him, being unfaithful to Him, forgetting all He had done for me. I felt the tears as they begin to well up in my eyes...Jesus was my something missing. As long as I can remember my mother always taught me that if I don't have anything else I have my faith, and that's what I forgot. Everything else can be crashing around me, but that's ok because God's got my back.



I forgot, but I'm happy he woke me up on Sunday morning so that I could remember.

I'm in love with another man

You slept so peacefully last night...holding on to me so tight.

We had an amazing night...at our favorite BK get away..holding hands...staring into each others eyes. You kissed me so gently...and you looked at me with those big brown eyes...i love him...i love him..i kept thinking to myself...no actually that's what I was telling myself.

If perfection is possible in any man..then baby you are that man.

You make me smile...You make me happy. You deserve the best..the absolute best.

I know I don't deserve you and that's why I have to leave you..I have to walk away from you.

I can't lead you on. I can't hurt you. I can't be that woman that messes it up for the next woman.

I want to tell you so bad...every night ...I want to tell you so bad. I keep holding back...I say ditto..instead of "I love you too." If I tell you...I know you'll never look at me like that again. The way you look at me when you're holding me as if I'm God's gift straight to you. I don't want to ruin that...I don't want to hurt you. But I have to walk away...you need to be happy..and baby I can't make you happy...because I'm in love with someone else.

Looking Back....

It was sooooooooo hot on the morning I moved to my first New York City apartment. You know the kind of hot where you don't want to do anything but stay in the house and you're moody all day just because it really is that hot.My huge red luggage seemed to way a million pounds as I dragged it thru Penn Station with my purse weighing down my right shoulder. I wanted so bad just to get to a cab, it took everything in me just to make it to the elevator.




Finally, I reached the cab line and was surprised to see that there were only a couple people there waiting in line. I got in the cab and told the driver where I was going XXX and X Ave please. He looked at me like I had 4 eyes so I said it again...XXX and X Ave please. For some reason he still look confused but he pulled into the traffic anyway. On the way to meet my landlord I just kept saying "Thank You God, Thank You God." I couldn't believe this was happening, I was moving into my very own apartment, I had a great job with one of the most known people in the entertainment industry and I was ready to live the "life" (whatever the heck that means).


In about 15 minutes we pulled up to the front entrance of my apartment building and I couldn't stop grinning. I met my land lady who handed me the keys, looked me in my eyes, and simply said, "Good Luck." I didn't understand why she was wishing me luck since I already knew what the apartment looked like but I now realize she meant that in more ways than one. Finally, I arrived at the door of my apartment, put my hand on the door and said a prayer (like my mama told me too) and opened the door. Everything was...A MESS! Although the apartment was empty, dust was everywhere, the dishwasher door was hanging off, the bathroom was not as clean as it should have been, and the washer and dryer that was promised to me (i know not usually the case for an nyc apt.) was no where to be found.


My mouth dropped, at a time like this I'd always call my parents and let them figure it out, but this was MY place, I was paying the rent, my name was on the lease, not theres. After I let out a little scream, I called my landlady who had conviently left for the day, but fortunately the maintence men came to help as much as they could. When they were done sprucing the place up, I was by myself for the very first time in my apartment and it occured to me that I had absolutely nothing in there. I had a few things in storage, but no furtinure, no bed...nothing. I felt the tears beginning to form and I had to stop myself..breathe..and just think. Like most young 20 somethings, I wanted everything to come together all at once...instantly. I wanted the perfect apartment, the clothes, the boyfriend, that perfect NYC life that I always saw on Sex and the City. But it occured to me that I had to WORK for all of that.


I started with the little things, since none of my friends had a car in the city, I had to cab or train it each time I went to buy something for my place. It was hard, it was a struggle, but in the end I did it. It took almost a year, but my place came together better than I could have ever expected..shoot it even looked better than Carries!



Right outside of my window is a huge Sex and the City Movie billboard, I can't help but smile everytime I look at it. It makes me think about how far I've come, how much I've learned, and most importantly how hard I worked to get everything that I have. In some ironic way it's a daily reminder to me that life isn't that simple, it's not a fairytale, you have to work hard to get where you want to be....but you can get there.

Jump...just...Jump

I squeezed my eyes shut so tight
hoping that I would become invisible
I didn't want him to see me looking like this
Hair up, glasses on, sweats rolled, fresh face
and lack of sleep. But it happened, he saw me
he looked right at me. I smiled..he smiled..we smiled
All of a sudeen ....that feeling..that feeling I hadn't felt in so long
Butterflies..blushing...giddyness.
I felt him...coming closer...and closer...
His arms were around me....hugging me..and it felt so good.
I knew from that one moment...I was feeling him..I mean really feeling him.
I didn't want it to go away..I hope it doesn't go away.

Come on he said squeezing my hand..lets go for a walk.

So I did it...I squeezed his hand back...looked in his eyes..and said let's go.

I never did look in the mirror...

Photography by Flash

It's funny...I blamed everyone in my circle for what had happened. I lashed out against them for what had happened during the last two years of HELL. That's what it had been in my eyes..complete and utter hell. I was so upset...how could he do this to me? how could she do this to me? how could they do this to me? It was all their fault...it had to be..it wasn't me that had decided for all of this stuff to happen especially not all at once. It became to much...everything just became to much. I couldn't handle it anymore...it got to the point where the only peace in my day was when it was time to go bed....and even then my dreams still haunted me.

Even if someone had told me 5 years ago..I never could of imagined..guessed.. or believed that it would ever turn out like this. I mean how could I be so dumb? How could I listen to him..to her..to them? I knew better..my mama taught me better. But for some reason I still got caught up in...everything. Caught up in the popularity...caught up in the light..caught up in what people thought..caught up in playing him..him..him..and him too. I even got caught up in hurting others. But it wasn't my fault..everyone in my circle..in my world was doing the same thing... so I wasn't the one to blame....right..I couldn't be the one to blame.


It took tears...it took pain...and it even took a life...to make me realize that I was to blame. I had made all of those decisions. I could have turned...I could have walked away...I could have cut all of them off. But instead I chose to make the same mistake..time..and time..and time..and time..and time..and time..and time..and time again....until it all came back on me at once.

I looked everywhere..to everyone..and everything...but never once did I stop to look in the mirror.

THE LEFT SIDE AND THE RIGHT SIDE

My mind seems to be everywhere
I can't think.... I can't breathe...I can't breathe
There's just to many decisions that have to be made
I feel like my brain and my heart are having a tug of war with each other
If I choose the right side I see myself..and my success...my kids..my future..but I don't see happiness...If I choose the left side...I see myself....with great kids..a great husband...happiness. but still unfulfilled because I had to sacrifice it all for that one person.
I can't seem to find a balance..there is no balance..someone tell me how to find a balance.
I look at him and see so much potential...all the things he could have been ....all the places he could have gone...we could have gone. But there's obstacle after obstacle we're jumping fighting..crying...screaming...trying to tell people to go-to leave us be..but this can't be.
But then on the other side there's simplicity...there's no fighting...no passion...there's just easy.
Smiling. No worries...everything is all great. My parents love him...my friends love him..and I like him. I'm not head over hills...home run...can't get enough kind of love like I've felt on the left side. I'm settling...settling because the right side is just so easy...I don't have to cry...I don't have to think...I don't have to expect the unexpected...I just live..live..live..live and then I die without really having lived at all...if I choose the right side that is..well I think..maybe I could be happy on the right side. Maybe I'm wrong...but the left...the left it just won't stop pulling..it won't give up. But you can't...You can't go back there...4 times..4 times you went back there. I remember when I promised that I'd never go back there? After that long drive..and the thoughts..and the stares..and the nightmares..I'M never going back there. And that night-that night on the red couch it was just all to much to bare. It hurt sooo bad that I couldn't even cry..I just laid there..broken..broken from the left side. But within a month's time he had put me back together again. Smiles...a little blue box with a white ribbon...promises all those promises....I listened..I believed you...sometimes I still believe you. I try to leave but you beg me to stay with tears you turn to me and say I can't live without you-there's nooo way I can live without you. I hear you but I do my best to block you out-running running running until I can't breathe anymore. Until you're out of my sight..far in the distance away from me..but it doesn't work because you keep coming after me. Baby please-Baby please you say...and I melt I just melt and run right back to you. But I can't keep doing it..I can't keep running backwards..yes that's what I'm doing..I'm running backwards. People are suppose to run forward..but I'm running backwards.... backwards..I can't see anything...your grip is sooooo tight on me...that it's happening again... I can't breathe....LET GO OF ME.... I break free of your grasp...finally I break free of your grasp. I look to the right and although it looks tempting and easy..I keep running..I look to the left and see your eyes full of tears..I keep running...I run right down the middle..choosing my own path....refusing the tears...refusing to give in...to anything....refusing not to settle..