Honesty

If I'm being honest with myself (and I am trying to be more honest in the new year) then I have to admit...the reality of it all is that it's me...not him...him...or him.

I have the worst habit of keeping people in my life that shouldn't be there. One of my good friends recently asked me to think of every person in my circle and put on paper what purpose they brought to my life. Although I know many people, there are only a few that I consider to be real friends. I made my list with confidence and could go on for days of why I needed these certain people in my life....and then I got to him and I couldn't think of...

One. Single. Thing.



to write. The blank space filled up the room..my heart...and my mind with sadness. It was almost like something finally turned on inside and I realized that I had been wasting time. Precious time on someone...something...and nothing. The truth is I had never planned on being with him forever...I had no intentions of marrying him...having his kids..or building a life with him. I had played the victim for so long that I forgot I was the one doing the hurting too. Never had I put myself in his position. Instead I cried about all the bad times (and there were lots of them), I told my friends the horrible things and never the good, and I blamed him for everything...when in reality it was me too.