The Bigger Issue

A few months back...


I cleared my throat, wiped the tears from my eyes, swept my hair out of my face, and opened the door to my [then] office. The receptionist mouthed, "are you ok?" I smiled and nodded yes like all was right with the world even though it wasn't. I ran into the bathroom to clean my face so that no one else would notice I had been crying.

My co-worker [fortunately my bff at work] was in the bathroom. I told her I had just gotten in a horrible fight with my ex-boyfriend and I couldn't think straight. He was in my head and my heart. I couldn't get him or all of the horrible things he had just said to me off of my mind. Part of me wanted to hop on a train to D.C. shake the hell out of him until he turned back into the guy I had fallen in love with, but part of me never wanted to talk to him again.

We both had [have] a way of getting underneath each others skin. It's almost as if we soley enjoy hurting one another, I don't get it or understand how it happened. While I was telling my coworker this she continued to fix her hair and then said something to me I'll never forget,

"Sweetheart, just stop. HE'S GOING TO D-E-S-T-R-O-Y YOUR LIFE." With that, she gave one more pat to her head and walked out of the bathroom leaving me alone with my thoughts. I knew she was 100% right in everyway, but my heart still in some way yearned for him. I had been learning the same lesson for way to long. It had been years of on and off drama that was so uneccessary. I thought about the rest of my life....I had a great job, 2 loving and healthy parents, the best friends a girl could ask for, and all the faith in the world to carry me through, and him. He was [is] really my only problem, my only issue, the only "drama" in my life.

It's a drama that I've become accustomed to. That I'm used to. It was [is] so bad to the point where I forget what it was like to not have this "problem" in my life.

Why is that so many of us believe that life has to be hard. We get caught up in it all, thinking that when it gets to easy, something is bound to go wrong. For some reason it gets in grained in our head that for life to be worth anything, we have to struggle...right?

It took me along time to realize that in him and all of his drama I was creating the distraction in my life. Instead of confronting the bigger issue, I let him and all of his problems linger on in my life for a very long time, instead of just letting it GO.


I just don't want to be that girl [woman] who settled for less than she deserved, because she avoided fighting for her hearts desire. I want to get the lesson and move on.


One of my favorite people told me yesterday that he would ask me in September 09 how I felt about him [my ex]. I hope to be in an entirely different place in 365 days...I hope that when he does ask me...I past the test.